[Interesting Idea] Pulling the peg

Just watched a video about atheism. The speaker believe that humanity is being pulled back from progress by religion, and he described it using trains. The trains are ran by scientist in the first cart, while subsequently the people behind are dragging the train slowing it down by not contributing. Posted it on Facebook and took it down after awhile, I think I should stop believing in talking to people about problems, they simply do not give a shit. Here's the post for record, this is an interesting idea, it does change my mind right now, but I'm not sure how this will affect me in the future, who knows it might even helps.

" People can believe whatever the fuck they want, but when the world ends it doesn't gives a fuck about what you believe. People needs to grow up and away from the fear of not being guided by a divine being, grow the fuck up and walk it yourself. Things aren't always gonna be okay....... when problem comes we have to fix it, ourselves.

Maybe instead of trying so hard for a lifetime to safe the one dragging us (us as in humanity, in case people get offended) behind, maybe the wisest choice to save humanity is to pull the peg.

PS: After writing this I also realize a big part that contribute to this is human's selfish desire to achieve their goal that defines only by their lifetime, we simply do not care about the fate of humanity far beyond ours, I may be the only one (or at least around me) that feel the terror whenever I think about the end of humanity, when fossil of our creation is left behind in a giant ball floating around in cold dark space. 

Apparently selfishness, although been taught to be negative, seems to be enjoyed and praised by humanity. We live in a world where everyone just wants to get rich, buy cars and houses that meant nothing after our death, and for guys sex seems to be extremely attractive (I really just do not understand this desire, I do seek companionship but there has never been just for sexual interaction, it would be nice if someone is actually out there but I think I've experience enough to understand that I'm definitely gonna walk this alone). 

The world needs another perspective, I would be dead if it's not for others' sake, there is simply no reason for me to exist, I live because people around me wants me to and expect me to. I am not saying this to feel superior, it is just that I feel extremely lonely, there is simply no one that share the same perspective, and no one that actually cares, I do not know how to convince others anymore, it seems that I'm the one that is not fitting in, I have already lost the confident to be vocal (for matters that is related to this discussion). I believe that if human were to survive for thousand more years we need to stop thinking just about 'me', but about 'us'. This is something that is not in our gene, I don't think human will ever understand this concept. I still remember the time that I thought that being different means being like Einstein, or Tesla, or Newton, or Davinci, this is not as fun as I thought I guess "

The Snake With A Thousand Layers Of Skins

My mind can't seem to make any firm decisions, day by day things are changing all around while my view of this world transform from one to another. Things that I thought meant a lot no longer triggers any emotion, while new things kept coming in and makes me drift away from the path that I thought was inevitable. It feels like there are new roads emerging all round while I'm just walking blindfolded like a fool. I no longer understand what is important, all I can do now is gather all the old memories and piece by piece complete the puzzle, praying that I will see a complete picture in the end of this 'game'. All I can do now is treasure what was and has always been important, as I do not know when these will be either be lost or fade away in the background turning insignificant. 

I do not know who I am, this has always, always......... been a problem. The realization every time an important memory triggers in my brain turns me insane, there is so much sadness, and hope, hoping that what has been just dreams can one day come true. I no longer feel depress, only sadness, emptiness, the fire of hatred has burnt out, turning into disappointment. Every year, at this moment, the same feeling would emerge. Have I been waiting for someone? Have I been waiting for something to happen? This year........ am I running away from something? Is there something that I must do? It may be a confusion caused by excitement from an old memory, although a moment ago it does not feels like anything important.

My journey, feels like a snake with a thousand layers of skins, every layers are different from one another but also very much similar. Day by day the skin will shed while the snake no longer knows what it looks like until looking at the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if I really am the same person I thought I wanted to be, or am I just another personality created to fit into the story, while the real person has always been hiding inside waiting for someone to open the door. I just do not know.......... This may feel like nonsense but I really wish I could find the answer, the only thing I can use to tell me who I am, is Dreams, always remember Dreams.

I'll let it end there, tried writing something different this time, I wonder what it will feel like when it is read in the future again. It feels excited while at the same time scary, because every single thing wrote here is what I felt at this moment. I may be reading this in the future while retaining the memory of doing this but no longer understand the reasons or emotions behind this. I have always hope that someone would replace the consciousness in this body, maybe it is working, but not in the way I was hoping it to be, as consciousness is just an illusion. No matter what I do, this body will still exist, and memory will still be made.

Guess She's One of The Biggest Problem

I do realise that this shit doesn't come just from emotional heart break from not having a relationship with a member of opposite sex, things are not as simple as that, there are just multiple factors that slowly build up into a mountain. (God as I'm writing this I'm listening to a powerful song that gives me positive motivation, I wonder if I can still portray what I wanted to say while listening to this XD) But there many occasion where I thought I've finally settle my shits, and she somehow randomly appears and makes me hesitate and fucks everything up again. I always thought that its easy to read people, so far she's the only person I have a hard time reading. I think it's just a trick my mind playing on me since I'm sexually attracted to her. So many times, I've lost count, I just want to be done with it, I thought I've settle my mind back then. Maybe I should just cut off contact totally, it's hurting too much, I hope writing this does helps. 

Writing this does makes me feel better, I hope it'll end here, I need to put my mind together, it's time to put some firewood into the pit. There are too many things to worry about in this world, and it feels like a fucking waste of them when so many thoughts revolve around something that won't even happen, and someone who won't even care or try to understand. God, I wish I've already figure out the word to use to end my writings, guess I'll have to keep it in mind now, maybe I'll use Japanese. 

Mirrors of Broken Glass

I wonder how many times has this happened, why do I always have to face problems alone? I don't know what I did that lead me to this situation, I always try really hard to keep the people I care for around me, and I always hope that I could talk to them about my problems. Maybe I think it's time, but I don't know who actually cares, I don't know who would actually listen when I talk to them. There are also times I don't actually know what is the problem, if it is that simple I would have solved it from the start. I think I'll talk to someone, I don't want to end up killing my self, I've went through this and I know the possibilities.

I've always thought that I could stand up as many times as possible every time I fall, and it would make me stronger. Yes, I did became stronger, but before I even have time to lick my wound I just keep falling steeper and steeper, like there is no end. Sometimes I wish I could just hard program my brain like we do with machines, altering memories or changing some core emotions.

All this just feels like....... a dark room, there used to be light, but the clouds has turned everything dark, and the only thing that keeps the place warm is a small fire, a fire built by hate, yet I could feel it flickering, one day it will burn out and the room will remain dark, and I do not know how long I would stay sane in that situation.

Will I hesitate? Will I ever talk to someone? I do have someone in mind, but I wonder if he'll care. I really really wish that there is actually a god, but it's just so much as just a wish, just like my dreams.

Identity

I'm just as confuse and as lost as I used to be, every time I think that I came close into finding an answer it will always creates more problems. I think I should just admit that an answer simply doesn't exist. I need to work on this in a different way yet I just don't know how, there is no guidance nor predecessor that can tell me what to do. I don't know what I should feel about this insanity, always standing at the border of reality and fantasy, but without it I just won't have the courage to open my eyes the next morning. There are times I wish I could just be myself, but for some reason the way people (only those that I care about) think of me are affecting me so much so that it would only drive me further into depression, I don't want to experience that again.......

Yet, after going through so much it all comes back to being alone, it's always an empty room with me sitting inside, occasionally going out for some refreshment but always, always coming back to this empty room that nobody gives a shit about. Let me rephrase it, it's not empty, it's a room that I fill up with stuffs that matters a lot to me, you could say that it is so full that there is no more room for anything else, but for some reason I'll always find a way to put more stuff in. I've been waiting for a day where I could open up this door and welcome someone inside, but after what I've been through I guess the doors might be locked forever.

I think depression is coming back, I've never like it, I've gone through it once but this shit hits too hard, there is just no way of going out. I wonder if people will ever understand (or even tries to) what it feels like to sleep every night hoping that the next day, the one that open its eyes aren't you.

Pain makes you who you are?

Nothing much to update this time, just wanna type this out so I might remind myself of this in the future(?). I do realize that most of my personality came from the pain I endure, every time I go through something it feels like I've became another person. It could be just that I'm running away from the past, seeing how weak I was. Maybe it's just because that I'm so blinded that I couldn't see my weakness until I hit something hard. I wonder what I will be like in the future, after going through more and more, things are slipping away from my hand, and I'm just desperately trying to grip it. Every time I got a hold of it I forget the pain that push me that far, the problem is I only feel this super when I go through some shit, and at the same time I don't like feeling like shit. I wonder if they'll ever be a solution so that I can be both at the same time.........

False Hope Will Always Be Better Than Despair

I'm getting too lazy to type the spaces in the start of every paragraph, so I guess  I'll just go with this style from today onward. To be honest the reason I come back here is different from the one back then, I guess you could say it's a complete recovery. The pain that could have potentially killed me is no more, although sadness and emptiness are still there but things has just gone back to the way it was, when I've accepted these feelings and when there is still a 'hope' to live for. Guess I'm no different from back then, just with some minor upgrades (or probably major, I'm not entirely sure, but I do feel the same as I used to though).

This madness inside has been revived I guess, maybe it got out of hand when I tried to be the person that others want me to be, could it be that accepting that I'm fucking crazy and I don't have to be like everyone else is the solution for this? It does feel nice being 'mad scientist', and I won't hide the fact that it's totally inspired by Okabe (if you ever forget who this is, then you don't worth living, please kill yourself, unless you got an amnesia, then you should probably check him out).

Going back to reading romance manga or watching romance anime does brings back memories though, the emptiness I feel whenever I got back into reality. This time it's much different though, you could say that I've already accepted that the person I'm waiting for do not exist, and even if she do, I may never meet her. There is no point chasing after a dream that could never be achieve, there is a reason why you're called Dreams, to remind yourself that there are things that can't be done, and you need to get a hold of yourself and fight for what is till possible.

Hope may not be the same as it used to be anymore, I'm pretty sure I was lost af, although I don't really remembered what if felt like back then. Every time I come back to this blog I feel like another person, it's like reading story from someone that I don't know. Going back to the topic, I was lost af, and the thing is I still am, I don't have an objective or reason to live, all I do is just keep on living. The thing is, is there even suppose to be a reason? Why couldn't there be none? You don't need to keep finding, just do whatever you like, you're gonna die anyway. I don't know if this conclusion will ever help the future me when I come back and read this, but this is helping for now. Just remember what it feels like to be a little crazy, or maybe more than just a little, and just do whatever the hell you like. Society will never accept you as you are, and you don't need them to, why would you need these pathetic creatures that could barely use their brain to accept you? (But to be honest, don't hurt anyone, I'm pretty sure I write this a lot whenever I write something that direct my hate towards humanity, but hurting people is different) You wanted to be a god, it may sound fucking retarded even now, but that is who you are, and I hope that this is still who you are, and who you're gonna be.

I wish I could come up with some cool 'outro' to end my writings, it would be cool, maybe I should give some thought into it, something as cool as El Psy Congroo.

Family

          So long since I've felt this......... just a sudden came back, all these feelings hitting back at the same time. The feeling that I've never belong anywhere, the feeling that my existence and presence is always unaware of. This remind me of the reason that I was fighting all along, the reason why I called my self Dreams. I gave myself the name yet I've totally forgotten the reason behind it, these string of events just keeps coming to remind me of who I was.

          I've always, always, been looking for a 'family', the people that I would be proud to be together with and die for. I've just realized that all these things that I've went through was meaningless, I've strayed too far from what I was. But I guess I'm back, this fucked up personality that kept me sane for so many years. The difference is, I've learnt to manipulate others....... and I've built up my discipline. If this keeps going I might really become a super villain in the future.......

          But this feelings will stay, and I hope it will stay forever. This pain, and anger, so much anger, enough to fuel my sanity. The thoughts of suicide are gone, the sole reason I live is feeding on anger, yet there is still kindness. There is just no way I could hurt anyone, I'll change this world my way, I'll find my own way. You chose to walk the path alone, you chose to be different, now you will pay for it, you'll pay for it with your life and change the world. But please, don't ever hurt anyone, even if you did go insane, don't hurt anyone.

Wanted to write "Who am I" as tittle, but it's boring so I'll go with this

          I just realized one of the major reason I'm feeling like shit lately, probably because of acceptance. Humans like to be told that they are doing well, by a 'god', by their friends and families, whatever. The thing is, I do think I'm getting the respect/acceptance I should be getting for the effort I'm putting in, but there is just a void there that can never fill no matter what I does. I just realized that I've always been running around being the person people expect me to be, and recently it's getting tiring. My ideology is still the same, but the way I portray them are sugar coated, I blend in according to situation manipulating them to my advantage.

          I've mentioned this in older post before, when you realized that all you have been doing is a lie, thinking that people likes you and end up finding yourself annoying as fuck, you'll only have 3 choices left, leave and be alone, continue being an annoying piece of shit, or just change yourself. Facing this problem again after so long has reminded me, the choice I made that makes me who I am today. This time I'm not going to submit anymore, I don't have the strength to do any of this, I'll probably end up killing my self. I don't really like being alone, but at least I wouldn't get hurt, I sounds like a pussy but this shit is real, I've never felt this bad in my life and I'm scared.

          Who do I actually want to be? Who do people think I am? I might be the weird piece of shit that is always nice to others, and likes to drop some 'philosophical' bomb once in awhile. But the truth is, if I had the choice I would be complaining all day long about every single action made my every single person, I'm a perfectionist, I would gladly accept my mistakes if anyone tells me about it, of course with reasons and facts. People doesn't work this way, they are easily offended, humans doesn't like the idea of changing when they are living comfortably under a warm roof, despite being told that the village is under fire. They will never do anything until their house got burned down and they are forced to leave.

          There are a lot of things that I like, and I like talking about them, the problem is nobody wants to listen to them. Recently I thought that I might have lifted a little of those burden, but in the end that's not actually the case. I can't just change my hobby, I wants to, I wants to be like everyone else that likes footballs and watch dramas, but I just couldn't. I don't know what I can do anymore (I'm saying this a lot recently, funny how I was always confident at what I'm doing), there is no fun in enjoying things alone. I hate being human, I hate being like this, can someone just take over please? If there is actually a god I would be extremely pissed, what the fuck do you want from me? You put me under a situation where I have to be someone else, gives me the ability to do so, but makes me who I am? FUCK YOU

Hate

          From the dramatic title, you could already guess, it's to bitch about something. I'm starting to hate this world, the people, this society that we built, the rules we made, so many of them just doesn't make any fucking sense. I regret more and more as days goes on, I regret the very moment when I chose to resist ignorance, the moment that I can still remember until this day (if it's not something I made up of from my imagination, which is possible as I'm getting a little crazy), the moment I chose to listen to my teacher. I have been very religious for a long time, it's in our nature to want to believe that everything will be alright, I don't know what gave me the courage to step out of it and says "fuck everything, I'll observe in the mind of both parties and make decision".

          Maybe this long lasting pain would not be there if I chose to be ignorant, I could have been stupidly happy. I don't know what makes me who I am today, I feel so fucking lonely, there is just no one in this world that thinks like I am. The problem is not telling people what I think, the problem is telling people that what I think is right. I wants to argue, I wants to debate, but people gets angry when what they believe is 'offended'.

          I might be a little hypocritical saying this, as there are moments where I get angry when people tells me "that is not how things work". I do know that, but I just get fucking irritated, because I know that if that's how things work then there is so much more that we could have achieved. I don't have a purpose to live, the only thing fueling my life now is the responsibilities, and the only thing keeping me sane is the hatred towards this fucked up world. I don't want to think, I wish soul do exist, and I could just wake up tomorrow and be gone, leaving this empty shell to function as it should be. This way, I won't be throwing away the responsibilities, and I will finally be loose from this hell.

It's finally over, I hope?

          I can't believe I actually got over it, it felt really impossible at that time though. I have no idea how I did it, it's just a triggered switch. It got so bad my brain goes "fuck you, we need Hououin Kyouma back" and those pain turned into anger, an anger filled with hatred towards all of humanity. I guess I'm back to the 'lone-wolf' shit, seriously I wish there is a way to trigger this whenever it happens again, then I wouldn't have gone through so much trouble. There is always a part of me still waiting though, always waiting for somebody to dig a tunnel through all those mess and pull me out of it. But I guess it's just impossible, there is no one in this world that think like I do. I wanted to believe that I'm 'better' than others, but I guess it's just an illusion my brain tell itself to convince me that I'm normal and instead everyone is not catching up, but it is the other way round, instead it is me who chose not to follow the crowds.

          I'm gonna fucking die anyway, I'll do everything I can to reach my only goal now, to break this world. It is very likely that I'm going to fail though, but it's better than going back to what I went through. Oh if you're reading this now in the future I don't mean that I'm going to break the world and send it to its doom, you're not a demon lord. Break this chain, break this cycle, break these thoughts, make them think, if you're the only one being weird right now then make an entire generation of weirdos. Nobody will care, or even if they do try they will never understand, there is no point waiting for someone to come and feel lonely, pass down your knowledge and make more 'you', that's what it meant to be 'alive'.

          Oh BTW during this time you have removed the link you secretly hide on Facebook, this is where it starts to be more of a diary than a message (maybe still a message but from me to future me). I'm not gonna stop writing though, in fact I guess I'll be coming back more often, writing did helped me go through all this shit. I'll keep my thought in check from time to time, I feels like I'm loosing my identity, this diary will remind myself what it feels like to be me.

8th April 2018

          I'm coming back so often to the point I don't even care any more. I'm kinda tired of waiting, hoping that things will change, hoping that something good will happen the next day. But positive expectations do wear off. As each day passes my trouble grows, I find it harder and harder to fix my mind onto something. I remember the day where things were much more simpler, living every day waiting for the weekends to come so I can finally take a break. I feel like I'm loosing my self, everyday I ask myself "Who am I? What do I want? What can I do?". But there is always no answer, why did I chose this path? It would have been much more easier if 'God' is enough as the answer to all these questions.

          I think I have adapted to being the one listening at other's story to the point that I do not know how to tell my story. The problem is, recently things have gotten so out of hand that I just want to talk to someone, but it always just feels like, nobody would cares, and nobody would understand, and nobody could help, I don't blame them, this is my problem. The fact that I suck at talking to others made the matter worst, it has always been fine for me to handle things alone, I don't know when this started, but I really hate how things are going right now. I live everyday fearing what tomorrow might bring, there are times where I just hope today would last forever, so that the problem tomorrow will never come.

          There is a part of me fighting it self, in short I'm starting to think I do not know who I am. I have never knew what I want, and I live everyday waiting for the day where I could find my answer. Not only did the answer never came, it also made me realize that all the things I did doesn't mean anything, I did not achieve anything in life, and I'm not heading anywhere in the future. To make matter worst, this is the worst time ever for my brain to trigger any romantic feelings. It has always been easy in the past where most of the things around doesn't matter, although I never did anything and never achieved anything in the romantic aspect and it was kinda sad, but that was the only thing that troubles me at that time. I have to handle all this bullshits while at the same time getting affected by "what she thinks of me?" now, which will always make things worst (because I'm 100% sure that this is not like movies or anime, but a part of my brain just couldn't stop trying so hard to do something like it would achieve anything, I wonder would it help if I just fucking cut off my balls).

          I just want to shut off a part of this and focus of one problem at a time, I have too many to worry about, and fuck me, some of them doesn't even have an answer. I don't even care if anybody will read this, I don't even care of what I would feel when I come back to read this in the future, things would only go worst from now on, the only thing that can change this right now is me being good enough to tackle all this without blowing my brain up. I have to do something, I just don't know where to start, I don't know what can help, and I don't even have anyone to talk to. Great, sometimes I wish life is as simple as solving Mathematics.

I Just Read My Older Posts, Again

          Holy shit.......... WTF is wrong with me LMAO. The depression scale went up like crazy. I went from "I'm sad, I hope I'll get better soon" to "I want to fucking kill myself but I can't". Also I've been visiting the page more frequently now, maybe I really should talk to someone. But I doubt it would help, this is my problem, something that I doubt many people will face, something that might be unique. I'm not saying that depression is unique, just the problems. To be honest I still don't know what is wrong, and I still don't know where I can start fixing this. There are times I want to die, but sometimes I do come into realization how awful the situation has become (Bipolar? I hope not. Am I encouraging my self to get diagnose with all kinds of serious mental illness? Who knows I might start hallucinating or get multiple personality syndrome, something the brain do to fight these pains). 

          I do realized that every time I read my post I feel like I was another person, even the most recent post on February made me feel completely different. I have memories of thinking like that, but if I do put myself back into the same situation I wouldn't think the same. I was indeed 'happy go lucky', although I still keep the trait outside (I don't like it when people worry about me, it makes me feel like I'm the only one with problems, a way to remind myself that the world will still move on with or without my presence), on the inside everything is completely realistic. I think a lot more about the future (hell, I even thought about the future of humanity), I take matter more seriously, and also I realize I've been really observant about others. 

          Let's talk more about the 'observant about others'. Since young I've never been good at socializing. If I remembered correctly, on a previous post I did mentioned that it's a skill I picked up, not something that I've born with. Imagine living your day thinking that your friends likes being around you, and one day came into realization you're actually annoying and socially awkward. That did changed me though, I start reading people's emotion and blend in accordingly, not because I want them to accept me, but because I didn't wanted to be alone. I've never thought of it as faking, as most of these feelings came naturally, I just focused on what I wanted to portray to them. It might be because of that I've never really liked interacting with people, I'll always keep in mind that nobody likes me. It takes time for me to convince myself that someone doesn't hate me. WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING THIS!?!?!? 

          But recently I've been doing this a lot, thanks to university work I got stuck with friends in the university (are they my friend? I do not know, they're never as close to me compare to some of my best friends, but I don't hate being with them) and I got cut off with people I enjoy talking with (maybe this is why I started getting a little crazy). This might have triggered my brain and says "you're all alone now, you better do something about it". 

          I don't know how to end this post, there wasn't really a main topic that I wanted to talk about when I started writing this. It's just that I felt like shit and I know if I don't do something about it I might break, so I came back to this page (as usual, fuck you for not talking with someone) and end up reading my older posts. But seriously, even post from 1 months back sounds really faint to me, it's kinda scary, as if I'm loosing my identity. Maybe I've given myself a persona? Oh BTW did I mentioned I do realize that my most recent post was 2 days ago? Yeah I'm pretty fucked, I hope this will end soon, I really need to fix this. Kudos to getting sunburned from welding arc, good luck future me reading this, please don't kill yourself yet.

The World Does Not Revolve Around US

          Like usual, I'm gonna start with bitching about how I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life =), but this time I have something extra, I have no idea what the hell everyone else is thinking when deciding what to do with their lives. Majority of humans live their lives searching for happiness, but what really is happiness? A dream car? Owning a big house and spending all your money on high class utilities? An ambition or a dream job? The thing is, most people think that they are looking at their 'future', but none of them cares that the 'future' is only about them. What is the reason to live and enjoy if you're going to die anyway without leaving anything behind, don't you think it is selfish for the sake of all humanity?

          I've always like to believe that humanity is capable for more, but the more I learn the more disappointed I get. We are selfish creatures, and we are very short sighted thanks to our short lifespan. I believe that majority of the humans living on this planet does not give a flying shit about what would happen after their death. Since young I've convinced my self that one of the most successful traits of humanity is our curiosity, we ask a lot and we learn a lot. I've always been convinced that it must be what kept us alive and one day we would find our answer to the question, why do we live? And one day the knowledge would be pass down to the next generation, and this cycle would repeat until we find our answer. But most people doesn't care about questions like these, or if they do, they would just settled with religion, and easier solution for a very complicated problem. But I could understand why, I've been very religious, I understand how religion gives a much simpler solution but as for now I can only say that it's a solution revolve around lies, lies you tell your self everyday when you wake up.

          I do not know why I live, the only thing I know is why people wants me to live, but I have no clue why I would want to. I live solely on expectation from others, I've lost hope of all my ambitions and dreams, and I find the pain of living like this growing as each day passes. To be honest if I'm living only for my self I would have attempted a suicide long ago, but each day I'm held back by what people would feel, what they would go through, and how much more less I could do for them if I died. To be honest I wish all of this are gone, I just want to rest, my brain is living while seeking for death, maybe one day I would sleep and not wake up, or the world will end without a single word, then I can finally stop having these pains.

Remember This

          Recently felt better after going through some shit, I could say I got lucky. I don't know what I will be feeling like in the distant future, the feeling I got back then was really painful to bare. This note is made mostly to encourage myself in the future when I come back to this blog, remember how this feels like. The burden has been dropped, things are going back to normal, the pain is gone. Live so that you may feel like that again, you may go through a lot, you may face something so painful where had never bore anything like that in your life. Whatever happens, keep going so that you can feel this again. There may not be a solution, but feeling changes as time pass, the pain may never go away but it will never hurt you as much. I believe that you may still have yet to find your answer, but keep going, all might not be in vain.

2018 Update

       It's been quite awhile since I wrote one of these, but for some reason whenever I'm lost I'll always come and complain to this page that I made myself believe that someone is reading, but in fact nobody is. Before I started writing this I'll try not to read my older posts first, just to see how different I've turned out to be XD.

       To start with this year's post (to be honest, I think I might have skipped 2017's post) lets just clarify, I think I'm pretty sure that I'm having a depression right now LMAO. I love how these feelings will keep kicking in while at the same time a part of me will always try to keep my mind sane. The thoughts of suicide has been heavier and heavier each day, but the only thing that's stopping me from doing it is the guilt for those around me, and also the fear of death (which is fading day by day as I find life to be more suffering)

       This starts me makes me think, maybe this is the reason why religion exist. Have I done too much by escaping that circle? Isn't it nice to believe that things are always planned, that there is a reason for everything to exist, and there is a reason why you're living. Once you've realized that none of these are true, there is no going back. It's common for atheist to tie their reason to live to their career, their dream, and their relations ships with others. I have impossible dreams, I have an ambition that I realize that will not be possible unless I break myself, and I believe I don't have that kind of relationship either. The fact that I'm typing this instead of talking to someone has already proved it.

       It always felt like I've been waiting for something, or someone, but when I actually put in effort and think about it, that might just have been an illusion my brain gave my self. A reason to live, a reason to keep fighting everyday. I needed a reason to live, I do not know why I'm here, which actually brought me to the conclusion that, why not use what I have for others? I don't know if I'm just over confident, but I would like to believe that I have skills that can't be acquired through training, but born with. Maybe I could use those skills for people who needs it, as I do not know how to use them for my self. The only thing that I use this skills to do, is to learn, to increase my satisfaction of the thirst for knowledge and information.

       To be honest I do not have the courage to let anyone read this, not before I die. But at the same time I really just wish that I've really been waiting for something, that something will happen eventually if I try hard enough. Our brain create illusions to fill in the blanks for us when we face something that might break us, and yet I've trained my self to fight that, which is something I've totally regretted on doing. There's no hope, there's no reason, and the future is void, everything that happens now is random and will stay the same. I guess I'm done with this year's part, I'll just read my older posts and come back to this.

...........

Okay I'm back. Just realized something, I've always been confident with myself LOL (even in this post). This makes me feel pretty arrogant...... Guess I'll just leave it for someone else to judge, as I don't have the mental capacity to worry about this right now. And also I'm actually getting better with my English lol, the last time I wrote was last year's (2017) July though. I've changed so much since then........ when I read about it I realized I feel like another person, but the feeling is the same, I've felt the same thing since back then, which means that I did not solve anything and it has only gotten worst. I remembered suspecting myself for having depression and writing about it back then, but when I read bout it I called myself "optimistic" and "happy go lucky". I guess those wore off now, that may be the reason why I came into realization that I'm facing these pain.

         Also, I realize I suck at splitting between my romantic feeling and this lol. In the older post I'll always try to write something about it while trying to hide it behind these feelings, but in fact it's actually something different. Recently I've tried my best to approach the girl (yeah, the same one I've had a crush on for 4 fucking years, I feel fucking stupid right now) that I've always had a crush on after lying to myself that 'there might be a very small chance'. Which quickly crush down when I came to realization that such chance does not exist, which overloaded me and force me to write this lol. I guess it's time for me to move on, it has always been better if I moved on, but I just never could. Sometimes I wonder why aren't we in control of how we feel. I don't want to end it with this though, there is much more things in this life for me to worry about, and I don't want this to cover my entire life.

      So let's talk about a plan that ran across me recently. If you (Who are you anyway? Why are you reading this?) didn't skip anything just now, you must have noticed I talked about using my 'skills' for 'someone else'. Yes, my dream was to study physics, to break the world with amazing theories. But if I couldn't do that maybe this skill might prove to be useful for others. Engineering is not a bad start, since they are meant to solve problems. The only problem is I just couldn't make any progress, I could not find the motivation that used to be there anymore. Maybe depression shut you off temporarily until you fix it, which is a pain in the ass as I was trying to use this to escape from it. I wonder if I'll figure something out in the future, but I believe (from experience) I'll come back reading this and get disappointed at myself for not making any progress.

       I'll stop here, maybe I'll eventually find the courage to hide a link to this page on my Facebook profile. Which increases the chance (not very likely) that someone who 'cares' to come across this. Good fucking luck boy and try not to die...... yet.