2018 Update

       It's been quite awhile since I wrote one of these, but for some reason whenever I'm lost I'll always come and complain to this page that I made myself believe that someone is reading, but in fact nobody is. Before I started writing this I'll try not to read my older posts first, just to see how different I've turned out to be XD.

       To start with this year's post (to be honest, I think I might have skipped 2017's post) lets just clarify, I think I'm pretty sure that I'm having a depression right now LMAO. I love how these feelings will keep kicking in while at the same time a part of me will always try to keep my mind sane. The thoughts of suicide has been heavier and heavier each day, but the only thing that's stopping me from doing it is the guilt for those around me, and also the fear of death (which is fading day by day as I find life to be more suffering)

       This starts me makes me think, maybe this is the reason why religion exist. Have I done too much by escaping that circle? Isn't it nice to believe that things are always planned, that there is a reason for everything to exist, and there is a reason why you're living. Once you've realized that none of these are true, there is no going back. It's common for atheist to tie their reason to live to their career, their dream, and their relations ships with others. I have impossible dreams, I have an ambition that I realize that will not be possible unless I break myself, and I believe I don't have that kind of relationship either. The fact that I'm typing this instead of talking to someone has already proved it.

       It always felt like I've been waiting for something, or someone, but when I actually put in effort and think about it, that might just have been an illusion my brain gave my self. A reason to live, a reason to keep fighting everyday. I needed a reason to live, I do not know why I'm here, which actually brought me to the conclusion that, why not use what I have for others? I don't know if I'm just over confident, but I would like to believe that I have skills that can't be acquired through training, but born with. Maybe I could use those skills for people who needs it, as I do not know how to use them for my self. The only thing that I use this skills to do, is to learn, to increase my satisfaction of the thirst for knowledge and information.

       To be honest I do not have the courage to let anyone read this, not before I die. But at the same time I really just wish that I've really been waiting for something, that something will happen eventually if I try hard enough. Our brain create illusions to fill in the blanks for us when we face something that might break us, and yet I've trained my self to fight that, which is something I've totally regretted on doing. There's no hope, there's no reason, and the future is void, everything that happens now is random and will stay the same. I guess I'm done with this year's part, I'll just read my older posts and come back to this.

...........

Okay I'm back. Just realized something, I've always been confident with myself LOL (even in this post). This makes me feel pretty arrogant...... Guess I'll just leave it for someone else to judge, as I don't have the mental capacity to worry about this right now. And also I'm actually getting better with my English lol, the last time I wrote was last year's (2017) July though. I've changed so much since then........ when I read about it I realized I feel like another person, but the feeling is the same, I've felt the same thing since back then, which means that I did not solve anything and it has only gotten worst. I remembered suspecting myself for having depression and writing about it back then, but when I read bout it I called myself "optimistic" and "happy go lucky". I guess those wore off now, that may be the reason why I came into realization that I'm facing these pain.

         Also, I realize I suck at splitting between my romantic feeling and this lol. In the older post I'll always try to write something about it while trying to hide it behind these feelings, but in fact it's actually something different. Recently I've tried my best to approach the girl (yeah, the same one I've had a crush on for 4 fucking years, I feel fucking stupid right now) that I've always had a crush on after lying to myself that 'there might be a very small chance'. Which quickly crush down when I came to realization that such chance does not exist, which overloaded me and force me to write this lol. I guess it's time for me to move on, it has always been better if I moved on, but I just never could. Sometimes I wonder why aren't we in control of how we feel. I don't want to end it with this though, there is much more things in this life for me to worry about, and I don't want this to cover my entire life.

      So let's talk about a plan that ran across me recently. If you (Who are you anyway? Why are you reading this?) didn't skip anything just now, you must have noticed I talked about using my 'skills' for 'someone else'. Yes, my dream was to study physics, to break the world with amazing theories. But if I couldn't do that maybe this skill might prove to be useful for others. Engineering is not a bad start, since they are meant to solve problems. The only problem is I just couldn't make any progress, I could not find the motivation that used to be there anymore. Maybe depression shut you off temporarily until you fix it, which is a pain in the ass as I was trying to use this to escape from it. I wonder if I'll figure something out in the future, but I believe (from experience) I'll come back reading this and get disappointed at myself for not making any progress.

       I'll stop here, maybe I'll eventually find the courage to hide a link to this page on my Facebook profile. Which increases the chance (not very likely) that someone who 'cares' to come across this. Good fucking luck boy and try not to die...... yet.