Did not expect to be back so quick, but there are some interesting event that I need to record since everything happened really quickly right after the last one. So apparently I feel absolutely horrible now, most likely depression is back. I kind of expected this, so my plan to bring back 'emotions' did work out, although not the way I predicted it to be. Got some help from anime, I should probably write the sequence down in case it will be useful in the future. So I started with Bocchi the Rock! since it was recommended by my friend, I cried in the middle of it while (partially) trying to force some form of emotion. End up crying in the middle of it, the only way I could explain about those experience is it felt like something that was suppressed was finally let out. The first few days felt really good, it's like I finally got out of a horrible nightmare; Probably the same thing I felt when I first got out of depression. The follow up was a pretty bold move, since I managed to remind my self of what having friends felt like and what I wanted to do since I was a high school kid. For a moment I felt lonely, I wanted to talk with someone, wanted to have fun. So I thought the next thing to do should be obvious, to test how shit I can feel, so I decided the watch Made in Abyss movie while being in Discord with my friends after what felt like eternity. So it did had some impact on me, made me feel absolutely horrible but not to the point where I'm depressed, but more of a emotion that came out of empathy. I wanted to shake off those feelings, hence proceeded to move on to Romantic Killer. It looks like the kind of romance anime that I used to love, and apparently I wasn't wrong. The only problem is it kinda make me feel like shit now, so being absolutely fine alone was part of a perk I got while having a heart of stone. Since now I'm more human apparently I lost the ability.
So, that sums up what happened to this point. But I believe I still need to write down more about my thoughts since everything so far is just a catch up on events. I believe that despite being introvert, I apparently seek out social interaction pretty strongly. My mind do feel clear now, when day passes I do feel it now. Yet it makes me feel really really lonely. I reminded me of not being able to talk to anyone about my problem, feeling absolutely horrible and thought that being in a relationship is the solution to everything, and end up throwing a huge burden to whoever was the receiving end at that time. I don't think I can ever solve this problem, living has pretty much feel meaningless and ending it does feel like the fastest way, or a shortcut, to all my problems. Although I do feel a little less guilty to die now, since life feel even less meaningful that it was for some reason. Still, it does not mean I want to yet, there are still a part of me who wants to fight, luckily. I think I need to experience something new, I should probably try something different, meet someone new. Yeah it's almost impossible to meet anyone who can understand, but a big part of it should be on me who doesn't even try. Although as of now I do not know what to do and where to start, but this pain that makes me feel like someone is waiting, or I'm waiting for someone has been here, always been here. I kind of hate this feeling, but compare to what it was last time it does feel something like bitter sweet instead. I may be doomed to feel like shit for eternity until the day I die but at least now I have some form of emotions. At least I won't be pushing everyone away, at least I am capable of accepting someone's emotion and also laugh and cry when I feel like it, or most importantly I can feel like it.
I do not have much hope of what is to come, since this is what it's supposed to feel like when you're in a depression anyway. There are one thing that is different from what I predicted though, I don't think this is a high functioning depression, this is a depression depression, or "I really just want to die and let it end" depression. So if I don't do something about it things might go really bad soon, let's just hope whatever the fuck I'm thinking of doing now will take into effect. It doesn't feel like I have much time to try.
