I just realized one of the major reason I'm feeling like shit lately, probably because of acceptance. Humans like to be told that they are doing well, by a 'god', by their friends and families, whatever. The thing is, I do think I'm getting the respect/acceptance I should be getting for the effort I'm putting in, but there is just a void there that can never fill no matter what I does. I just realized that I've always been running around being the person people expect me to be, and recently it's getting tiring. My ideology is still the same, but the way I portray them are sugar coated, I blend in according to situation manipulating them to my advantage.
I've mentioned this in older post before, when you realized that all you have been doing is a lie, thinking that people likes you and end up finding yourself annoying as fuck, you'll only have 3 choices left, leave and be alone, continue being an annoying piece of shit, or just change yourself. Facing this problem again after so long has reminded me, the choice I made that makes me who I am today. This time I'm not going to submit anymore, I don't have the strength to do any of this, I'll probably end up killing my self. I don't really like being alone, but at least I wouldn't get hurt, I sounds like a pussy but this shit is real, I've never felt this bad in my life and I'm scared.
Who do I actually want to be? Who do people think I am? I might be the weird piece of shit that is always nice to others, and likes to drop some 'philosophical' bomb once in awhile. But the truth is, if I had the choice I would be complaining all day long about every single action made my every single person, I'm a perfectionist, I would gladly accept my mistakes if anyone tells me about it, of course with reasons and facts. People doesn't work this way, they are easily offended, humans doesn't like the idea of changing when they are living comfortably under a warm roof, despite being told that the village is under fire. They will never do anything until their house got burned down and they are forced to leave.
There are a lot of things that I like, and I like talking about them, the problem is nobody wants to listen to them. Recently I thought that I might have lifted a little of those burden, but in the end that's not actually the case. I can't just change my hobby, I wants to, I wants to be like everyone else that likes footballs and watch dramas, but I just couldn't. I don't know what I can do anymore (I'm saying this a lot recently, funny how I was always confident at what I'm doing), there is no fun in enjoying things alone. I hate being human, I hate being like this, can someone just take over please? If there is actually a god I would be extremely pissed, what the fuck do you want from me? You put me under a situation where I have to be someone else, gives me the ability to do so, but makes me who I am? FUCK YOU
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