I Just Read My Older Posts, Again

          Holy shit.......... WTF is wrong with me LMAO. The depression scale went up like crazy. I went from "I'm sad, I hope I'll get better soon" to "I want to fucking kill myself but I can't". Also I've been visiting the page more frequently now, maybe I really should talk to someone. But I doubt it would help, this is my problem, something that I doubt many people will face, something that might be unique. I'm not saying that depression is unique, just the problems. To be honest I still don't know what is wrong, and I still don't know where I can start fixing this. There are times I want to die, but sometimes I do come into realization how awful the situation has become (Bipolar? I hope not. Am I encouraging my self to get diagnose with all kinds of serious mental illness? Who knows I might start hallucinating or get multiple personality syndrome, something the brain do to fight these pains). 

          I do realized that every time I read my post I feel like I was another person, even the most recent post on February made me feel completely different. I have memories of thinking like that, but if I do put myself back into the same situation I wouldn't think the same. I was indeed 'happy go lucky', although I still keep the trait outside (I don't like it when people worry about me, it makes me feel like I'm the only one with problems, a way to remind myself that the world will still move on with or without my presence), on the inside everything is completely realistic. I think a lot more about the future (hell, I even thought about the future of humanity), I take matter more seriously, and also I realize I've been really observant about others. 

          Let's talk more about the 'observant about others'. Since young I've never been good at socializing. If I remembered correctly, on a previous post I did mentioned that it's a skill I picked up, not something that I've born with. Imagine living your day thinking that your friends likes being around you, and one day came into realization you're actually annoying and socially awkward. That did changed me though, I start reading people's emotion and blend in accordingly, not because I want them to accept me, but because I didn't wanted to be alone. I've never thought of it as faking, as most of these feelings came naturally, I just focused on what I wanted to portray to them. It might be because of that I've never really liked interacting with people, I'll always keep in mind that nobody likes me. It takes time for me to convince myself that someone doesn't hate me. WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING THIS!?!?!? 

          But recently I've been doing this a lot, thanks to university work I got stuck with friends in the university (are they my friend? I do not know, they're never as close to me compare to some of my best friends, but I don't hate being with them) and I got cut off with people I enjoy talking with (maybe this is why I started getting a little crazy). This might have triggered my brain and says "you're all alone now, you better do something about it". 

          I don't know how to end this post, there wasn't really a main topic that I wanted to talk about when I started writing this. It's just that I felt like shit and I know if I don't do something about it I might break, so I came back to this page (as usual, fuck you for not talking with someone) and end up reading my older posts. But seriously, even post from 1 months back sounds really faint to me, it's kinda scary, as if I'm loosing my identity. Maybe I've given myself a persona? Oh BTW did I mentioned I do realize that my most recent post was 2 days ago? Yeah I'm pretty fucked, I hope this will end soon, I really need to fix this. Kudos to getting sunburned from welding arc, good luck future me reading this, please don't kill yourself yet.