Family

          So long since I've felt this......... just a sudden came back, all these feelings hitting back at the same time. The feeling that I've never belong anywhere, the feeling that my existence and presence is always unaware of. This remind me of the reason that I was fighting all along, the reason why I called my self Dreams. I gave myself the name yet I've totally forgotten the reason behind it, these string of events just keeps coming to remind me of who I was.

          I've always, always, been looking for a 'family', the people that I would be proud to be together with and die for. I've just realized that all these things that I've went through was meaningless, I've strayed too far from what I was. But I guess I'm back, this fucked up personality that kept me sane for so many years. The difference is, I've learnt to manipulate others....... and I've built up my discipline. If this keeps going I might really become a super villain in the future.......

          But this feelings will stay, and I hope it will stay forever. This pain, and anger, so much anger, enough to fuel my sanity. The thoughts of suicide are gone, the sole reason I live is feeding on anger, yet there is still kindness. There is just no way I could hurt anyone, I'll change this world my way, I'll find my own way. You chose to walk the path alone, you chose to be different, now you will pay for it, you'll pay for it with your life and change the world. But please, don't ever hurt anyone, even if you did go insane, don't hurt anyone.

Wanted to write "Who am I" as tittle, but it's boring so I'll go with this

          I just realized one of the major reason I'm feeling like shit lately, probably because of acceptance. Humans like to be told that they are doing well, by a 'god', by their friends and families, whatever. The thing is, I do think I'm getting the respect/acceptance I should be getting for the effort I'm putting in, but there is just a void there that can never fill no matter what I does. I just realized that I've always been running around being the person people expect me to be, and recently it's getting tiring. My ideology is still the same, but the way I portray them are sugar coated, I blend in according to situation manipulating them to my advantage.

          I've mentioned this in older post before, when you realized that all you have been doing is a lie, thinking that people likes you and end up finding yourself annoying as fuck, you'll only have 3 choices left, leave and be alone, continue being an annoying piece of shit, or just change yourself. Facing this problem again after so long has reminded me, the choice I made that makes me who I am today. This time I'm not going to submit anymore, I don't have the strength to do any of this, I'll probably end up killing my self. I don't really like being alone, but at least I wouldn't get hurt, I sounds like a pussy but this shit is real, I've never felt this bad in my life and I'm scared.

          Who do I actually want to be? Who do people think I am? I might be the weird piece of shit that is always nice to others, and likes to drop some 'philosophical' bomb once in awhile. But the truth is, if I had the choice I would be complaining all day long about every single action made my every single person, I'm a perfectionist, I would gladly accept my mistakes if anyone tells me about it, of course with reasons and facts. People doesn't work this way, they are easily offended, humans doesn't like the idea of changing when they are living comfortably under a warm roof, despite being told that the village is under fire. They will never do anything until their house got burned down and they are forced to leave.

          There are a lot of things that I like, and I like talking about them, the problem is nobody wants to listen to them. Recently I thought that I might have lifted a little of those burden, but in the end that's not actually the case. I can't just change my hobby, I wants to, I wants to be like everyone else that likes footballs and watch dramas, but I just couldn't. I don't know what I can do anymore (I'm saying this a lot recently, funny how I was always confident at what I'm doing), there is no fun in enjoying things alone. I hate being human, I hate being like this, can someone just take over please? If there is actually a god I would be extremely pissed, what the fuck do you want from me? You put me under a situation where I have to be someone else, gives me the ability to do so, but makes me who I am? FUCK YOU

Hate

          From the dramatic title, you could already guess, it's to bitch about something. I'm starting to hate this world, the people, this society that we built, the rules we made, so many of them just doesn't make any fucking sense. I regret more and more as days goes on, I regret the very moment when I chose to resist ignorance, the moment that I can still remember until this day (if it's not something I made up of from my imagination, which is possible as I'm getting a little crazy), the moment I chose to listen to my teacher. I have been very religious for a long time, it's in our nature to want to believe that everything will be alright, I don't know what gave me the courage to step out of it and says "fuck everything, I'll observe in the mind of both parties and make decision".

          Maybe this long lasting pain would not be there if I chose to be ignorant, I could have been stupidly happy. I don't know what makes me who I am today, I feel so fucking lonely, there is just no one in this world that thinks like I am. The problem is not telling people what I think, the problem is telling people that what I think is right. I wants to argue, I wants to debate, but people gets angry when what they believe is 'offended'.

          I might be a little hypocritical saying this, as there are moments where I get angry when people tells me "that is not how things work". I do know that, but I just get fucking irritated, because I know that if that's how things work then there is so much more that we could have achieved. I don't have a purpose to live, the only thing fueling my life now is the responsibilities, and the only thing keeping me sane is the hatred towards this fucked up world. I don't want to think, I wish soul do exist, and I could just wake up tomorrow and be gone, leaving this empty shell to function as it should be. This way, I won't be throwing away the responsibilities, and I will finally be loose from this hell.

It's finally over, I hope?

          I can't believe I actually got over it, it felt really impossible at that time though. I have no idea how I did it, it's just a triggered switch. It got so bad my brain goes "fuck you, we need Hououin Kyouma back" and those pain turned into anger, an anger filled with hatred towards all of humanity. I guess I'm back to the 'lone-wolf' shit, seriously I wish there is a way to trigger this whenever it happens again, then I wouldn't have gone through so much trouble. There is always a part of me still waiting though, always waiting for somebody to dig a tunnel through all those mess and pull me out of it. But I guess it's just impossible, there is no one in this world that think like I do. I wanted to believe that I'm 'better' than others, but I guess it's just an illusion my brain tell itself to convince me that I'm normal and instead everyone is not catching up, but it is the other way round, instead it is me who chose not to follow the crowds.

          I'm gonna fucking die anyway, I'll do everything I can to reach my only goal now, to break this world. It is very likely that I'm going to fail though, but it's better than going back to what I went through. Oh if you're reading this now in the future I don't mean that I'm going to break the world and send it to its doom, you're not a demon lord. Break this chain, break this cycle, break these thoughts, make them think, if you're the only one being weird right now then make an entire generation of weirdos. Nobody will care, or even if they do try they will never understand, there is no point waiting for someone to come and feel lonely, pass down your knowledge and make more 'you', that's what it meant to be 'alive'.

          Oh BTW during this time you have removed the link you secretly hide on Facebook, this is where it starts to be more of a diary than a message (maybe still a message but from me to future me). I'm not gonna stop writing though, in fact I guess I'll be coming back more often, writing did helped me go through all this shit. I'll keep my thought in check from time to time, I feels like I'm loosing my identity, this diary will remind myself what it feels like to be me.

8th April 2018

          I'm coming back so often to the point I don't even care any more. I'm kinda tired of waiting, hoping that things will change, hoping that something good will happen the next day. But positive expectations do wear off. As each day passes my trouble grows, I find it harder and harder to fix my mind onto something. I remember the day where things were much more simpler, living every day waiting for the weekends to come so I can finally take a break. I feel like I'm loosing my self, everyday I ask myself "Who am I? What do I want? What can I do?". But there is always no answer, why did I chose this path? It would have been much more easier if 'God' is enough as the answer to all these questions.

          I think I have adapted to being the one listening at other's story to the point that I do not know how to tell my story. The problem is, recently things have gotten so out of hand that I just want to talk to someone, but it always just feels like, nobody would cares, and nobody would understand, and nobody could help, I don't blame them, this is my problem. The fact that I suck at talking to others made the matter worst, it has always been fine for me to handle things alone, I don't know when this started, but I really hate how things are going right now. I live everyday fearing what tomorrow might bring, there are times where I just hope today would last forever, so that the problem tomorrow will never come.

          There is a part of me fighting it self, in short I'm starting to think I do not know who I am. I have never knew what I want, and I live everyday waiting for the day where I could find my answer. Not only did the answer never came, it also made me realize that all the things I did doesn't mean anything, I did not achieve anything in life, and I'm not heading anywhere in the future. To make matter worst, this is the worst time ever for my brain to trigger any romantic feelings. It has always been easy in the past where most of the things around doesn't matter, although I never did anything and never achieved anything in the romantic aspect and it was kinda sad, but that was the only thing that troubles me at that time. I have to handle all this bullshits while at the same time getting affected by "what she thinks of me?" now, which will always make things worst (because I'm 100% sure that this is not like movies or anime, but a part of my brain just couldn't stop trying so hard to do something like it would achieve anything, I wonder would it help if I just fucking cut off my balls).

          I just want to shut off a part of this and focus of one problem at a time, I have too many to worry about, and fuck me, some of them doesn't even have an answer. I don't even care if anybody will read this, I don't even care of what I would feel when I come back to read this in the future, things would only go worst from now on, the only thing that can change this right now is me being good enough to tackle all this without blowing my brain up. I have to do something, I just don't know where to start, I don't know what can help, and I don't even have anyone to talk to. Great, sometimes I wish life is as simple as solving Mathematics.

I Just Read My Older Posts, Again

          Holy shit.......... WTF is wrong with me LMAO. The depression scale went up like crazy. I went from "I'm sad, I hope I'll get better soon" to "I want to fucking kill myself but I can't". Also I've been visiting the page more frequently now, maybe I really should talk to someone. But I doubt it would help, this is my problem, something that I doubt many people will face, something that might be unique. I'm not saying that depression is unique, just the problems. To be honest I still don't know what is wrong, and I still don't know where I can start fixing this. There are times I want to die, but sometimes I do come into realization how awful the situation has become (Bipolar? I hope not. Am I encouraging my self to get diagnose with all kinds of serious mental illness? Who knows I might start hallucinating or get multiple personality syndrome, something the brain do to fight these pains). 

          I do realized that every time I read my post I feel like I was another person, even the most recent post on February made me feel completely different. I have memories of thinking like that, but if I do put myself back into the same situation I wouldn't think the same. I was indeed 'happy go lucky', although I still keep the trait outside (I don't like it when people worry about me, it makes me feel like I'm the only one with problems, a way to remind myself that the world will still move on with or without my presence), on the inside everything is completely realistic. I think a lot more about the future (hell, I even thought about the future of humanity), I take matter more seriously, and also I realize I've been really observant about others. 

          Let's talk more about the 'observant about others'. Since young I've never been good at socializing. If I remembered correctly, on a previous post I did mentioned that it's a skill I picked up, not something that I've born with. Imagine living your day thinking that your friends likes being around you, and one day came into realization you're actually annoying and socially awkward. That did changed me though, I start reading people's emotion and blend in accordingly, not because I want them to accept me, but because I didn't wanted to be alone. I've never thought of it as faking, as most of these feelings came naturally, I just focused on what I wanted to portray to them. It might be because of that I've never really liked interacting with people, I'll always keep in mind that nobody likes me. It takes time for me to convince myself that someone doesn't hate me. WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING THIS!?!?!? 

          But recently I've been doing this a lot, thanks to university work I got stuck with friends in the university (are they my friend? I do not know, they're never as close to me compare to some of my best friends, but I don't hate being with them) and I got cut off with people I enjoy talking with (maybe this is why I started getting a little crazy). This might have triggered my brain and says "you're all alone now, you better do something about it". 

          I don't know how to end this post, there wasn't really a main topic that I wanted to talk about when I started writing this. It's just that I felt like shit and I know if I don't do something about it I might break, so I came back to this page (as usual, fuck you for not talking with someone) and end up reading my older posts. But seriously, even post from 1 months back sounds really faint to me, it's kinda scary, as if I'm loosing my identity. Maybe I've given myself a persona? Oh BTW did I mentioned I do realize that my most recent post was 2 days ago? Yeah I'm pretty fucked, I hope this will end soon, I really need to fix this. Kudos to getting sunburned from welding arc, good luck future me reading this, please don't kill yourself yet.

The World Does Not Revolve Around US

          Like usual, I'm gonna start with bitching about how I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life =), but this time I have something extra, I have no idea what the hell everyone else is thinking when deciding what to do with their lives. Majority of humans live their lives searching for happiness, but what really is happiness? A dream car? Owning a big house and spending all your money on high class utilities? An ambition or a dream job? The thing is, most people think that they are looking at their 'future', but none of them cares that the 'future' is only about them. What is the reason to live and enjoy if you're going to die anyway without leaving anything behind, don't you think it is selfish for the sake of all humanity?

          I've always like to believe that humanity is capable for more, but the more I learn the more disappointed I get. We are selfish creatures, and we are very short sighted thanks to our short lifespan. I believe that majority of the humans living on this planet does not give a flying shit about what would happen after their death. Since young I've convinced my self that one of the most successful traits of humanity is our curiosity, we ask a lot and we learn a lot. I've always been convinced that it must be what kept us alive and one day we would find our answer to the question, why do we live? And one day the knowledge would be pass down to the next generation, and this cycle would repeat until we find our answer. But most people doesn't care about questions like these, or if they do, they would just settled with religion, and easier solution for a very complicated problem. But I could understand why, I've been very religious, I understand how religion gives a much simpler solution but as for now I can only say that it's a solution revolve around lies, lies you tell your self everyday when you wake up.

          I do not know why I live, the only thing I know is why people wants me to live, but I have no clue why I would want to. I live solely on expectation from others, I've lost hope of all my ambitions and dreams, and I find the pain of living like this growing as each day passes. To be honest if I'm living only for my self I would have attempted a suicide long ago, but each day I'm held back by what people would feel, what they would go through, and how much more less I could do for them if I died. To be honest I wish all of this are gone, I just want to rest, my brain is living while seeking for death, maybe one day I would sleep and not wake up, or the world will end without a single word, then I can finally stop having these pains.