How Anime Actually Changed My World

Although it's vague, but I still do remember how all of these started. It all started with a stupid kid still trying to understand how the world works, trying his best to impress the others. At that time I had no idea I'm getting myself into, when I finally got convinced to watch K-ON! by my friend. I still remember watching it while expecting it to be something childish, cause all the anime I've ever watched was stuffs like Inuyasha, Naruto, MAR, or One Piece. To me K-ON! was pretty 'girlish', but I gave it a try anyway. But I quickly realise that there are much much more in anime, a world so perfect that it fills up all the empty holes you have in life, wishing that you could replicate those moment in real life.

I've always wanted to belong somewhere, but I never did, I just couldn't fit in, I was never good at socialising with people. But after watching K-ON! I started playing music, I 'tried' having my own band, that's where this feeling started, a group of people that I thought resemble what we had in K-ON!, friends that will laugh and cry with you. It still gives a sweet taste whenever I remember what I did with my friends during this period, although as time passes this feelings turned bittersweet, but I'm still glad that this has been part of me. This is probably what make me fall in love with anime even more, I was craving for the same feeling I get from K-ON!, and end up watching a hell lot other anime. Romance has always been my favourite, and probably because of that I could no longer understand what it's like falling in love irl. To be being in love is having someone that understands you, someone that will be there whenever you fall, waiting to catch you. Having this feeling for a guy and you'll be the best buddies, while having it for a girl means that's a romantic attraction. This could be because I've always seek companionship, like I said in an older post, trying to build my 'family'. This kind of relationship makes me feel complete. Sadly there are neither a guy or girl that makes me feel this yet, maybe because I just don't have the balls to trust anyone.

The thing is, in real life, the advises or life lessons people gives has never made me feel comfortable with being who I am, it always challenge me to be someone I'm not. I just see the world like no one else does, and this is really lonely. I like learning, especially science and mathematics, but the challenges 'life' gives has always demotivated me from doing anything to pursue those dreams. I've always been thinking, "only if I could just memorise all these stuffs and be a good student like what society wants me to, then I would have been able to pursue my dream, but it's just impossible to be as perfect as that". But anime........ anime is different, these fictional stories mirror real life while giving you a perspective from someone different, someone that doesn't exist, since it's fictional the stories can go as bad as they could, and the characters would always find a way to solve their problems. It convinced me that things will always go south, but you must always find a way through all these bullshits, that's how you grow. *cough* Hououin Kyouma! *cough*

That's when I started calling my self Dreams (and during the period where this is written, Oneiro, dreams in greek. It'll be an alternative since it's kinda difficult to get Dreams as ign), it's to remind me that there are a lot of things I wanted to do, and there are a lot of them that I could not right now, and might not be able to achieve. But there are no use sulking over it, if I don't do something nothing will change, I have to keep trying. I regret not watching any anime during those 'dark ages', and I have a feeling that it is probably just a step away from serious depression. I hope that whenever those feelings are back, I could read this and feel strong again, these feelings has been gone for quite awhile, I really do miss them, the feeling of being invincible while being totally aware of how weak I am, that is why I should always keep growing.

Just for the record, this is after watching Toradora, a phrase from the anime woke me up, "When you trip and fall, you get nosebleed, when trip in real life the nosebleed in life will be your tears, but you have to get up and keep running, standing there crying will change nothing". All these pain, it should be expected, but endure them, I understand that sometimes it hurt so much that you loose every hope you  have left in you, but once you get over them you will be much stronger, just like you do now after getting over that nightmare. You'll always grow, keep being who you are, and one day you might stop being alone, maybe you already do, but you just don't know.

[Interesting Idea] Pulling the peg

Just watched a video about atheism. The speaker believe that humanity is being pulled back from progress by religion, and he described it using trains. The trains are ran by scientist in the first cart, while subsequently the people behind are dragging the train slowing it down by not contributing. Posted it on Facebook and took it down after awhile, I think I should stop believing in talking to people about problems, they simply do not give a shit. Here's the post for record, this is an interesting idea, it does change my mind right now, but I'm not sure how this will affect me in the future, who knows it might even helps.

" People can believe whatever the fuck they want, but when the world ends it doesn't gives a fuck about what you believe. People needs to grow up and away from the fear of not being guided by a divine being, grow the fuck up and walk it yourself. Things aren't always gonna be okay....... when problem comes we have to fix it, ourselves.

Maybe instead of trying so hard for a lifetime to safe the one dragging us (us as in humanity, in case people get offended) behind, maybe the wisest choice to save humanity is to pull the peg.

PS: After writing this I also realize a big part that contribute to this is human's selfish desire to achieve their goal that defines only by their lifetime, we simply do not care about the fate of humanity far beyond ours, I may be the only one (or at least around me) that feel the terror whenever I think about the end of humanity, when fossil of our creation is left behind in a giant ball floating around in cold dark space. 

Apparently selfishness, although been taught to be negative, seems to be enjoyed and praised by humanity. We live in a world where everyone just wants to get rich, buy cars and houses that meant nothing after our death, and for guys sex seems to be extremely attractive (I really just do not understand this desire, I do seek companionship but there has never been just for sexual interaction, it would be nice if someone is actually out there but I think I've experience enough to understand that I'm definitely gonna walk this alone). 

The world needs another perspective, I would be dead if it's not for others' sake, there is simply no reason for me to exist, I live because people around me wants me to and expect me to. I am not saying this to feel superior, it is just that I feel extremely lonely, there is simply no one that share the same perspective, and no one that actually cares, I do not know how to convince others anymore, it seems that I'm the one that is not fitting in, I have already lost the confident to be vocal (for matters that is related to this discussion). I believe that if human were to survive for thousand more years we need to stop thinking just about 'me', but about 'us'. This is something that is not in our gene, I don't think human will ever understand this concept. I still remember the time that I thought that being different means being like Einstein, or Tesla, or Newton, or Davinci, this is not as fun as I thought I guess "

The Snake With A Thousand Layers Of Skins

My mind can't seem to make any firm decisions, day by day things are changing all around while my view of this world transform from one to another. Things that I thought meant a lot no longer triggers any emotion, while new things kept coming in and makes me drift away from the path that I thought was inevitable. It feels like there are new roads emerging all round while I'm just walking blindfolded like a fool. I no longer understand what is important, all I can do now is gather all the old memories and piece by piece complete the puzzle, praying that I will see a complete picture in the end of this 'game'. All I can do now is treasure what was and has always been important, as I do not know when these will be either be lost or fade away in the background turning insignificant. 

I do not know who I am, this has always, always......... been a problem. The realization every time an important memory triggers in my brain turns me insane, there is so much sadness, and hope, hoping that what has been just dreams can one day come true. I no longer feel depress, only sadness, emptiness, the fire of hatred has burnt out, turning into disappointment. Every year, at this moment, the same feeling would emerge. Have I been waiting for someone? Have I been waiting for something to happen? This year........ am I running away from something? Is there something that I must do? It may be a confusion caused by excitement from an old memory, although a moment ago it does not feels like anything important.

My journey, feels like a snake with a thousand layers of skins, every layers are different from one another but also very much similar. Day by day the skin will shed while the snake no longer knows what it looks like until looking at the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if I really am the same person I thought I wanted to be, or am I just another personality created to fit into the story, while the real person has always been hiding inside waiting for someone to open the door. I just do not know.......... This may feel like nonsense but I really wish I could find the answer, the only thing I can use to tell me who I am, is Dreams, always remember Dreams.

I'll let it end there, tried writing something different this time, I wonder what it will feel like when it is read in the future again. It feels excited while at the same time scary, because every single thing wrote here is what I felt at this moment. I may be reading this in the future while retaining the memory of doing this but no longer understand the reasons or emotions behind this. I have always hope that someone would replace the consciousness in this body, maybe it is working, but not in the way I was hoping it to be, as consciousness is just an illusion. No matter what I do, this body will still exist, and memory will still be made.

Guess She's One of The Biggest Problem

I do realise that this shit doesn't come just from emotional heart break from not having a relationship with a member of opposite sex, things are not as simple as that, there are just multiple factors that slowly build up into a mountain. (God as I'm writing this I'm listening to a powerful song that gives me positive motivation, I wonder if I can still portray what I wanted to say while listening to this XD) But there many occasion where I thought I've finally settle my shits, and she somehow randomly appears and makes me hesitate and fucks everything up again. I always thought that its easy to read people, so far she's the only person I have a hard time reading. I think it's just a trick my mind playing on me since I'm sexually attracted to her. So many times, I've lost count, I just want to be done with it, I thought I've settle my mind back then. Maybe I should just cut off contact totally, it's hurting too much, I hope writing this does helps. 

Writing this does makes me feel better, I hope it'll end here, I need to put my mind together, it's time to put some firewood into the pit. There are too many things to worry about in this world, and it feels like a fucking waste of them when so many thoughts revolve around something that won't even happen, and someone who won't even care or try to understand. God, I wish I've already figure out the word to use to end my writings, guess I'll have to keep it in mind now, maybe I'll use Japanese. 

Mirrors of Broken Glass

I wonder how many times has this happened, why do I always have to face problems alone? I don't know what I did that lead me to this situation, I always try really hard to keep the people I care for around me, and I always hope that I could talk to them about my problems. Maybe I think it's time, but I don't know who actually cares, I don't know who would actually listen when I talk to them. There are also times I don't actually know what is the problem, if it is that simple I would have solved it from the start. I think I'll talk to someone, I don't want to end up killing my self, I've went through this and I know the possibilities.

I've always thought that I could stand up as many times as possible every time I fall, and it would make me stronger. Yes, I did became stronger, but before I even have time to lick my wound I just keep falling steeper and steeper, like there is no end. Sometimes I wish I could just hard program my brain like we do with machines, altering memories or changing some core emotions.

All this just feels like....... a dark room, there used to be light, but the clouds has turned everything dark, and the only thing that keeps the place warm is a small fire, a fire built by hate, yet I could feel it flickering, one day it will burn out and the room will remain dark, and I do not know how long I would stay sane in that situation.

Will I hesitate? Will I ever talk to someone? I do have someone in mind, but I wonder if he'll care. I really really wish that there is actually a god, but it's just so much as just a wish, just like my dreams.

Identity

I'm just as confuse and as lost as I used to be, every time I think that I came close into finding an answer it will always creates more problems. I think I should just admit that an answer simply doesn't exist. I need to work on this in a different way yet I just don't know how, there is no guidance nor predecessor that can tell me what to do. I don't know what I should feel about this insanity, always standing at the border of reality and fantasy, but without it I just won't have the courage to open my eyes the next morning. There are times I wish I could just be myself, but for some reason the way people (only those that I care about) think of me are affecting me so much so that it would only drive me further into depression, I don't want to experience that again.......

Yet, after going through so much it all comes back to being alone, it's always an empty room with me sitting inside, occasionally going out for some refreshment but always, always coming back to this empty room that nobody gives a shit about. Let me rephrase it, it's not empty, it's a room that I fill up with stuffs that matters a lot to me, you could say that it is so full that there is no more room for anything else, but for some reason I'll always find a way to put more stuff in. I've been waiting for a day where I could open up this door and welcome someone inside, but after what I've been through I guess the doors might be locked forever.

I think depression is coming back, I've never like it, I've gone through it once but this shit hits too hard, there is just no way of going out. I wonder if people will ever understand (or even tries to) what it feels like to sleep every night hoping that the next day, the one that open its eyes aren't you.

Pain makes you who you are?

Nothing much to update this time, just wanna type this out so I might remind myself of this in the future(?). I do realize that most of my personality came from the pain I endure, every time I go through something it feels like I've became another person. It could be just that I'm running away from the past, seeing how weak I was. Maybe it's just because that I'm so blinded that I couldn't see my weakness until I hit something hard. I wonder what I will be like in the future, after going through more and more, things are slipping away from my hand, and I'm just desperately trying to grip it. Every time I got a hold of it I forget the pain that push me that far, the problem is I only feel this super when I go through some shit, and at the same time I don't like feeling like shit. I wonder if they'll ever be a solution so that I can be both at the same time.........