Although it's vague, but I still do remember how all of these started. It all started with a stupid kid still trying to understand how the world works, trying his best to impress the others. At that time I had no idea I'm getting myself into, when I finally got convinced to watch K-ON! by my friend. I still remember watching it while expecting it to be something childish, cause all the anime I've ever watched was stuffs like Inuyasha, Naruto, MAR, or One Piece. To me K-ON! was pretty 'girlish', but I gave it a try anyway. But I quickly realise that there are much much more in anime, a world so perfect that it fills up all the empty holes you have in life, wishing that you could replicate those moment in real life.
I've always wanted to belong somewhere, but I never did, I just couldn't fit in, I was never good at socialising with people. But after watching K-ON! I started playing music, I 'tried' having my own band, that's where this feeling started, a group of people that I thought resemble what we had in K-ON!, friends that will laugh and cry with you. It still gives a sweet taste whenever I remember what I did with my friends during this period, although as time passes this feelings turned bittersweet, but I'm still glad that this has been part of me. This is probably what make me fall in love with anime even more, I was craving for the same feeling I get from K-ON!, and end up watching a hell lot other anime. Romance has always been my favourite, and probably because of that I could no longer understand what it's like falling in love irl. To be being in love is having someone that understands you, someone that will be there whenever you fall, waiting to catch you. Having this feeling for a guy and you'll be the best buddies, while having it for a girl means that's a romantic attraction. This could be because I've always seek companionship, like I said in an older post, trying to build my 'family'. This kind of relationship makes me feel complete. Sadly there are neither a guy or girl that makes me feel this yet, maybe because I just don't have the balls to trust anyone.
The thing is, in real life, the advises or life lessons people gives has never made me feel comfortable with being who I am, it always challenge me to be someone I'm not. I just see the world like no one else does, and this is really lonely. I like learning, especially science and mathematics, but the challenges 'life' gives has always demotivated me from doing anything to pursue those dreams. I've always been thinking, "only if I could just memorise all these stuffs and be a good student like what society wants me to, then I would have been able to pursue my dream, but it's just impossible to be as perfect as that". But anime........ anime is different, these fictional stories mirror real life while giving you a perspective from someone different, someone that doesn't exist, since it's fictional the stories can go as bad as they could, and the characters would always find a way to solve their problems. It convinced me that things will always go south, but you must always find a way through all these bullshits, that's how you grow. *cough* Hououin Kyouma! *cough*
That's when I started calling my self Dreams (and during the period where this is written, Oneiro, dreams in greek. It'll be an alternative since it's kinda difficult to get Dreams as ign), it's to remind me that there are a lot of things I wanted to do, and there are a lot of them that I could not right now, and might not be able to achieve. But there are no use sulking over it, if I don't do something nothing will change, I have to keep trying. I regret not watching any anime during those 'dark ages', and I have a feeling that it is probably just a step away from serious depression. I hope that whenever those feelings are back, I could read this and feel strong again, these feelings has been gone for quite awhile, I really do miss them, the feeling of being invincible while being totally aware of how weak I am, that is why I should always keep growing.
Just for the record, this is after watching Toradora, a phrase from the anime woke me up, "When you trip and fall, you get nosebleed, when trip in real life the nosebleed in life will be your tears, but you have to get up and keep running, standing there crying will change nothing". All these pain, it should be expected, but endure them, I understand that sometimes it hurt so much that you loose every hope you have left in you, but once you get over them you will be much stronger, just like you do now after getting over that nightmare. You'll always grow, keep being who you are, and one day you might stop being alone, maybe you already do, but you just don't know.
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