I Just Read My Older Posts, Again

          Holy shit.......... WTF is wrong with me LMAO. The depression scale went up like crazy. I went from "I'm sad, I hope I'll get better soon" to "I want to fucking kill myself but I can't". Also I've been visiting the page more frequently now, maybe I really should talk to someone. But I doubt it would help, this is my problem, something that I doubt many people will face, something that might be unique. I'm not saying that depression is unique, just the problems. To be honest I still don't know what is wrong, and I still don't know where I can start fixing this. There are times I want to die, but sometimes I do come into realization how awful the situation has become (Bipolar? I hope not. Am I encouraging my self to get diagnose with all kinds of serious mental illness? Who knows I might start hallucinating or get multiple personality syndrome, something the brain do to fight these pains). 

          I do realized that every time I read my post I feel like I was another person, even the most recent post on February made me feel completely different. I have memories of thinking like that, but if I do put myself back into the same situation I wouldn't think the same. I was indeed 'happy go lucky', although I still keep the trait outside (I don't like it when people worry about me, it makes me feel like I'm the only one with problems, a way to remind myself that the world will still move on with or without my presence), on the inside everything is completely realistic. I think a lot more about the future (hell, I even thought about the future of humanity), I take matter more seriously, and also I realize I've been really observant about others. 

          Let's talk more about the 'observant about others'. Since young I've never been good at socializing. If I remembered correctly, on a previous post I did mentioned that it's a skill I picked up, not something that I've born with. Imagine living your day thinking that your friends likes being around you, and one day came into realization you're actually annoying and socially awkward. That did changed me though, I start reading people's emotion and blend in accordingly, not because I want them to accept me, but because I didn't wanted to be alone. I've never thought of it as faking, as most of these feelings came naturally, I just focused on what I wanted to portray to them. It might be because of that I've never really liked interacting with people, I'll always keep in mind that nobody likes me. It takes time for me to convince myself that someone doesn't hate me. WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING THIS!?!?!? 

          But recently I've been doing this a lot, thanks to university work I got stuck with friends in the university (are they my friend? I do not know, they're never as close to me compare to some of my best friends, but I don't hate being with them) and I got cut off with people I enjoy talking with (maybe this is why I started getting a little crazy). This might have triggered my brain and says "you're all alone now, you better do something about it". 

          I don't know how to end this post, there wasn't really a main topic that I wanted to talk about when I started writing this. It's just that I felt like shit and I know if I don't do something about it I might break, so I came back to this page (as usual, fuck you for not talking with someone) and end up reading my older posts. But seriously, even post from 1 months back sounds really faint to me, it's kinda scary, as if I'm loosing my identity. Maybe I've given myself a persona? Oh BTW did I mentioned I do realize that my most recent post was 2 days ago? Yeah I'm pretty fucked, I hope this will end soon, I really need to fix this. Kudos to getting sunburned from welding arc, good luck future me reading this, please don't kill yourself yet.

The World Does Not Revolve Around US

          Like usual, I'm gonna start with bitching about how I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life =), but this time I have something extra, I have no idea what the hell everyone else is thinking when deciding what to do with their lives. Majority of humans live their lives searching for happiness, but what really is happiness? A dream car? Owning a big house and spending all your money on high class utilities? An ambition or a dream job? The thing is, most people think that they are looking at their 'future', but none of them cares that the 'future' is only about them. What is the reason to live and enjoy if you're going to die anyway without leaving anything behind, don't you think it is selfish for the sake of all humanity?

          I've always like to believe that humanity is capable for more, but the more I learn the more disappointed I get. We are selfish creatures, and we are very short sighted thanks to our short lifespan. I believe that majority of the humans living on this planet does not give a flying shit about what would happen after their death. Since young I've convinced my self that one of the most successful traits of humanity is our curiosity, we ask a lot and we learn a lot. I've always been convinced that it must be what kept us alive and one day we would find our answer to the question, why do we live? And one day the knowledge would be pass down to the next generation, and this cycle would repeat until we find our answer. But most people doesn't care about questions like these, or if they do, they would just settled with religion, and easier solution for a very complicated problem. But I could understand why, I've been very religious, I understand how religion gives a much simpler solution but as for now I can only say that it's a solution revolve around lies, lies you tell your self everyday when you wake up.

          I do not know why I live, the only thing I know is why people wants me to live, but I have no clue why I would want to. I live solely on expectation from others, I've lost hope of all my ambitions and dreams, and I find the pain of living like this growing as each day passes. To be honest if I'm living only for my self I would have attempted a suicide long ago, but each day I'm held back by what people would feel, what they would go through, and how much more less I could do for them if I died. To be honest I wish all of this are gone, I just want to rest, my brain is living while seeking for death, maybe one day I would sleep and not wake up, or the world will end without a single word, then I can finally stop having these pains.

Remember This

          Recently felt better after going through some shit, I could say I got lucky. I don't know what I will be feeling like in the distant future, the feeling I got back then was really painful to bare. This note is made mostly to encourage myself in the future when I come back to this blog, remember how this feels like. The burden has been dropped, things are going back to normal, the pain is gone. Live so that you may feel like that again, you may go through a lot, you may face something so painful where had never bore anything like that in your life. Whatever happens, keep going so that you can feel this again. There may not be a solution, but feeling changes as time pass, the pain may never go away but it will never hurt you as much. I believe that you may still have yet to find your answer, but keep going, all might not be in vain.

2018 Update

       It's been quite awhile since I wrote one of these, but for some reason whenever I'm lost I'll always come and complain to this page that I made myself believe that someone is reading, but in fact nobody is. Before I started writing this I'll try not to read my older posts first, just to see how different I've turned out to be XD.

       To start with this year's post (to be honest, I think I might have skipped 2017's post) lets just clarify, I think I'm pretty sure that I'm having a depression right now LMAO. I love how these feelings will keep kicking in while at the same time a part of me will always try to keep my mind sane. The thoughts of suicide has been heavier and heavier each day, but the only thing that's stopping me from doing it is the guilt for those around me, and also the fear of death (which is fading day by day as I find life to be more suffering)

       This starts me makes me think, maybe this is the reason why religion exist. Have I done too much by escaping that circle? Isn't it nice to believe that things are always planned, that there is a reason for everything to exist, and there is a reason why you're living. Once you've realized that none of these are true, there is no going back. It's common for atheist to tie their reason to live to their career, their dream, and their relations ships with others. I have impossible dreams, I have an ambition that I realize that will not be possible unless I break myself, and I believe I don't have that kind of relationship either. The fact that I'm typing this instead of talking to someone has already proved it.

       It always felt like I've been waiting for something, or someone, but when I actually put in effort and think about it, that might just have been an illusion my brain gave my self. A reason to live, a reason to keep fighting everyday. I needed a reason to live, I do not know why I'm here, which actually brought me to the conclusion that, why not use what I have for others? I don't know if I'm just over confident, but I would like to believe that I have skills that can't be acquired through training, but born with. Maybe I could use those skills for people who needs it, as I do not know how to use them for my self. The only thing that I use this skills to do, is to learn, to increase my satisfaction of the thirst for knowledge and information.

       To be honest I do not have the courage to let anyone read this, not before I die. But at the same time I really just wish that I've really been waiting for something, that something will happen eventually if I try hard enough. Our brain create illusions to fill in the blanks for us when we face something that might break us, and yet I've trained my self to fight that, which is something I've totally regretted on doing. There's no hope, there's no reason, and the future is void, everything that happens now is random and will stay the same. I guess I'm done with this year's part, I'll just read my older posts and come back to this.

...........

Okay I'm back. Just realized something, I've always been confident with myself LOL (even in this post). This makes me feel pretty arrogant...... Guess I'll just leave it for someone else to judge, as I don't have the mental capacity to worry about this right now. And also I'm actually getting better with my English lol, the last time I wrote was last year's (2017) July though. I've changed so much since then........ when I read about it I realized I feel like another person, but the feeling is the same, I've felt the same thing since back then, which means that I did not solve anything and it has only gotten worst. I remembered suspecting myself for having depression and writing about it back then, but when I read bout it I called myself "optimistic" and "happy go lucky". I guess those wore off now, that may be the reason why I came into realization that I'm facing these pain.

         Also, I realize I suck at splitting between my romantic feeling and this lol. In the older post I'll always try to write something about it while trying to hide it behind these feelings, but in fact it's actually something different. Recently I've tried my best to approach the girl (yeah, the same one I've had a crush on for 4 fucking years, I feel fucking stupid right now) that I've always had a crush on after lying to myself that 'there might be a very small chance'. Which quickly crush down when I came to realization that such chance does not exist, which overloaded me and force me to write this lol. I guess it's time for me to move on, it has always been better if I moved on, but I just never could. Sometimes I wonder why aren't we in control of how we feel. I don't want to end it with this though, there is much more things in this life for me to worry about, and I don't want this to cover my entire life.

      So let's talk about a plan that ran across me recently. If you (Who are you anyway? Why are you reading this?) didn't skip anything just now, you must have noticed I talked about using my 'skills' for 'someone else'. Yes, my dream was to study physics, to break the world with amazing theories. But if I couldn't do that maybe this skill might prove to be useful for others. Engineering is not a bad start, since they are meant to solve problems. The only problem is I just couldn't make any progress, I could not find the motivation that used to be there anymore. Maybe depression shut you off temporarily until you fix it, which is a pain in the ass as I was trying to use this to escape from it. I wonder if I'll figure something out in the future, but I believe (from experience) I'll come back reading this and get disappointed at myself for not making any progress.

       I'll stop here, maybe I'll eventually find the courage to hide a link to this page on my Facebook profile. Which increases the chance (not very likely) that someone who 'cares' to come across this. Good fucking luck boy and try not to die...... yet.

Keeping the page updated, once in awhile

Wow, I don't know why I came back (just realized I'm always using this sentence as an opening, but who cares, it's my page, my rules), but reading my old post(s) I realize 3 things.......

First, my English was so freaking bad, I can't believe I acted like I'm very good with that language while not knowing how stupid I sounded........ luckily I don't have any memories of me screwing up in public or something equally embarrassing.

Second, I was so freaking stupid.......... God, the way I talk, the message I was trying to send, it makes me cringe every time I read a new post. But the latest one makes me sad, I saw the improvement, but I also saw the disappointment and sadness.

Third, how did I survive so long without killing my self? I think I really need help XD, if not for my extreme optimism and this happy go lucky personality, I might have killed my self. Maybe I'm fighting depression without knowing it? I don't really want to test it out though, it'll only makes peoples around me worry. I'm pretty sure too that I'm not ready (at all) to die yet, and I don't think this depression is gonna kill me.

I realize that humans needs a reason to live, an objective. So, what does it feels like when you don't have one? Mine is empty, I have no lust for money, not lust for sexual pleasure (unless it's a romantic relationship), I enjoy being knowledgeable but it's not why I'm living. Why am I living? What am I going to do? Most importantly, what do I want to do?

Then, I realized that I tend to forget about these worries and feelings when I'm with friends, or when I'm enjoying with my family, and also when I'm romantically attracted to someone. Maybe it's because I feel more human, "ignorance is bliss" is what people says, when you think less you worry less.

Things only got worst, now I'm addicted to attachment (is this even bad?), I've had good friends (seriously, I love you guys if you guys are ever reading this one day, I just don't say them in words since it'll get awkward real quick), I love my family, but I realize I'm extremely unattractive as a 'man' and my personality is weird as fuck. I have ridiculous amount of hobby (basically everything except sports), and this makes it hard for me to connect with anyone. As a normal human being I want to find a life partner, someone who can share my pain and happiness, but my expectation is too high.

I hate being at this age, is it even possible to not be interested in romance? I think I'm gonna be alone forever, but how do I get used to this? I don't believe in fate or whatsoever, but sometimes I just hope that there really is something like fate, that you'll meet somebody out there that likes you, and you likes her back.

Guess I'll stop here, it'll kill my eye next time I read this again since it's too freaking long.

Weird Dream

I don't know why I came back to this page, but somehow I just want to record my dream. There is nowhere else I can do that. Maybe I have gotten a little better at doing this? Hohoho, who knows. One day I'll read all the things I have posted. Lets get into the dream.

I lost all memories of how the dream started, but somehow I get to remember a large portion of it. From what I remember, I went to a shopping mall with my family. My dad and my youngest brother will be coming later for some unknown reason. I was wearing my pajamas, so I asked my mum when will we be getting home? Since we are in a high class shopping mall while I'm wearing something that look so stupid. Then, I proceed ask them for permission to use my dad's car once he reach the shopping mall with my youngest brother. They agreed on it and called my father and we got to know he haven't came out from the house yet. I got angry (I don't know why) and stomped out of the mall and say I'll find a way home my self.

As I walked out of the mall I decided to go up some stairs to cross a bridge (or is it call a bridge? It's pretty common in our country). While walking up the stairs I noticed someone familiar walking in front of me, then I realize it's Hydier, my high school classmate (I don't know why he's there). I walked behind him until I reached the highest floor, it seems to be a LRT station. He looked back at me and we realize how tired both of us are, so we just broke into laughter. He left for the LRT while somehow I decided to go back, maybe I wanted to walk instead?

As I left I notice someone very familiar and important, guess who she is? LiSA, LMAO. As a crazy fanboy I ran towards her for a picture, then shit happens, shit that I don't want to talk about to anyone except this page XD. She say that she wanted to take a picture with me too, and said something that we knew each other long time ago. (it's so awkward even when I'm just writing about this and knowing that no one will read it.........). Then someone else appeared, she say "I can prove it!" (I don't remember in what language, it's a dream man). Right after saying that, she took out her phone and instead of looking into the phone, I got a flashback.

In the flashback, there is a person holding a phone recording everything (or maybe, I'm not sure). The first scene was me lying on my old bed (the one I had when I was very young, in my old house) face down and keep on putting up my hand to block the camera. Then the camera move randomly and focus on another person, the one holding the camera was playing with that girl on my bed (maybe trying to prove that I knew this girl all along?). Then we end the flashback, we end up talking about 'old stuffs'.  Then we came up with a conversation about her singing, and I just hold her shoulder and say, "I love your voice". People around started cracking up jokes (especially my best friend irl). I woke up awhile after that, that's all for the dream. Somehow I want to remember this dream, it's weird but it makes me happy.

Memories? Just a record

Things are always changing, every part of your actions now will one day be memories. No matter what you do there is no way to have things always work the same way. Instead of having regrets with the past, it is always the best to work and fight hard now because now and future is what you can change, but the pass isn't. I can control what to think, I can control my action, but I can never control my feelings. I always dwell in the past, I remembers so much. I know there is nothing I can do to change those things now, but it always makes me feel sad. The only things I can do is escape from it with musics, or to share the pain. But there will be no one who can. I always think that being special or unique is something good, but having no one to understand what you think is not as fun as I thought. Once you've change you can never go back, is it wise of me to do what I am doing now? Good luck future me for reading this, I'll see what's your answer