Guess She's One of The Biggest Problem

I do realise that this shit doesn't come just from emotional heart break from not having a relationship with a member of opposite sex, things are not as simple as that, there are just multiple factors that slowly build up into a mountain. (God as I'm writing this I'm listening to a powerful song that gives me positive motivation, I wonder if I can still portray what I wanted to say while listening to this XD) But there many occasion where I thought I've finally settle my shits, and she somehow randomly appears and makes me hesitate and fucks everything up again. I always thought that its easy to read people, so far she's the only person I have a hard time reading. I think it's just a trick my mind playing on me since I'm sexually attracted to her. So many times, I've lost count, I just want to be done with it, I thought I've settle my mind back then. Maybe I should just cut off contact totally, it's hurting too much, I hope writing this does helps. 

Writing this does makes me feel better, I hope it'll end here, I need to put my mind together, it's time to put some firewood into the pit. There are too many things to worry about in this world, and it feels like a fucking waste of them when so many thoughts revolve around something that won't even happen, and someone who won't even care or try to understand. God, I wish I've already figure out the word to use to end my writings, guess I'll have to keep it in mind now, maybe I'll use Japanese. 

Mirrors of Broken Glass

I wonder how many times has this happened, why do I always have to face problems alone? I don't know what I did that lead me to this situation, I always try really hard to keep the people I care for around me, and I always hope that I could talk to them about my problems. Maybe I think it's time, but I don't know who actually cares, I don't know who would actually listen when I talk to them. There are also times I don't actually know what is the problem, if it is that simple I would have solved it from the start. I think I'll talk to someone, I don't want to end up killing my self, I've went through this and I know the possibilities.

I've always thought that I could stand up as many times as possible every time I fall, and it would make me stronger. Yes, I did became stronger, but before I even have time to lick my wound I just keep falling steeper and steeper, like there is no end. Sometimes I wish I could just hard program my brain like we do with machines, altering memories or changing some core emotions.

All this just feels like....... a dark room, there used to be light, but the clouds has turned everything dark, and the only thing that keeps the place warm is a small fire, a fire built by hate, yet I could feel it flickering, one day it will burn out and the room will remain dark, and I do not know how long I would stay sane in that situation.

Will I hesitate? Will I ever talk to someone? I do have someone in mind, but I wonder if he'll care. I really really wish that there is actually a god, but it's just so much as just a wish, just like my dreams.

Identity

I'm just as confuse and as lost as I used to be, every time I think that I came close into finding an answer it will always creates more problems. I think I should just admit that an answer simply doesn't exist. I need to work on this in a different way yet I just don't know how, there is no guidance nor predecessor that can tell me what to do. I don't know what I should feel about this insanity, always standing at the border of reality and fantasy, but without it I just won't have the courage to open my eyes the next morning. There are times I wish I could just be myself, but for some reason the way people (only those that I care about) think of me are affecting me so much so that it would only drive me further into depression, I don't want to experience that again.......

Yet, after going through so much it all comes back to being alone, it's always an empty room with me sitting inside, occasionally going out for some refreshment but always, always coming back to this empty room that nobody gives a shit about. Let me rephrase it, it's not empty, it's a room that I fill up with stuffs that matters a lot to me, you could say that it is so full that there is no more room for anything else, but for some reason I'll always find a way to put more stuff in. I've been waiting for a day where I could open up this door and welcome someone inside, but after what I've been through I guess the doors might be locked forever.

I think depression is coming back, I've never like it, I've gone through it once but this shit hits too hard, there is just no way of going out. I wonder if people will ever understand (or even tries to) what it feels like to sleep every night hoping that the next day, the one that open its eyes aren't you.

Pain makes you who you are?

Nothing much to update this time, just wanna type this out so I might remind myself of this in the future(?). I do realize that most of my personality came from the pain I endure, every time I go through something it feels like I've became another person. It could be just that I'm running away from the past, seeing how weak I was. Maybe it's just because that I'm so blinded that I couldn't see my weakness until I hit something hard. I wonder what I will be like in the future, after going through more and more, things are slipping away from my hand, and I'm just desperately trying to grip it. Every time I got a hold of it I forget the pain that push me that far, the problem is I only feel this super when I go through some shit, and at the same time I don't like feeling like shit. I wonder if they'll ever be a solution so that I can be both at the same time.........

False Hope Will Always Be Better Than Despair

I'm getting too lazy to type the spaces in the start of every paragraph, so I guess  I'll just go with this style from today onward. To be honest the reason I come back here is different from the one back then, I guess you could say it's a complete recovery. The pain that could have potentially killed me is no more, although sadness and emptiness are still there but things has just gone back to the way it was, when I've accepted these feelings and when there is still a 'hope' to live for. Guess I'm no different from back then, just with some minor upgrades (or probably major, I'm not entirely sure, but I do feel the same as I used to though).

This madness inside has been revived I guess, maybe it got out of hand when I tried to be the person that others want me to be, could it be that accepting that I'm fucking crazy and I don't have to be like everyone else is the solution for this? It does feel nice being 'mad scientist', and I won't hide the fact that it's totally inspired by Okabe (if you ever forget who this is, then you don't worth living, please kill yourself, unless you got an amnesia, then you should probably check him out).

Going back to reading romance manga or watching romance anime does brings back memories though, the emptiness I feel whenever I got back into reality. This time it's much different though, you could say that I've already accepted that the person I'm waiting for do not exist, and even if she do, I may never meet her. There is no point chasing after a dream that could never be achieve, there is a reason why you're called Dreams, to remind yourself that there are things that can't be done, and you need to get a hold of yourself and fight for what is till possible.

Hope may not be the same as it used to be anymore, I'm pretty sure I was lost af, although I don't really remembered what if felt like back then. Every time I come back to this blog I feel like another person, it's like reading story from someone that I don't know. Going back to the topic, I was lost af, and the thing is I still am, I don't have an objective or reason to live, all I do is just keep on living. The thing is, is there even suppose to be a reason? Why couldn't there be none? You don't need to keep finding, just do whatever you like, you're gonna die anyway. I don't know if this conclusion will ever help the future me when I come back and read this, but this is helping for now. Just remember what it feels like to be a little crazy, or maybe more than just a little, and just do whatever the hell you like. Society will never accept you as you are, and you don't need them to, why would you need these pathetic creatures that could barely use their brain to accept you? (But to be honest, don't hurt anyone, I'm pretty sure I write this a lot whenever I write something that direct my hate towards humanity, but hurting people is different) You wanted to be a god, it may sound fucking retarded even now, but that is who you are, and I hope that this is still who you are, and who you're gonna be.

I wish I could come up with some cool 'outro' to end my writings, it would be cool, maybe I should give some thought into it, something as cool as El Psy Congroo.

Family

          So long since I've felt this......... just a sudden came back, all these feelings hitting back at the same time. The feeling that I've never belong anywhere, the feeling that my existence and presence is always unaware of. This remind me of the reason that I was fighting all along, the reason why I called my self Dreams. I gave myself the name yet I've totally forgotten the reason behind it, these string of events just keeps coming to remind me of who I was.

          I've always, always, been looking for a 'family', the people that I would be proud to be together with and die for. I've just realized that all these things that I've went through was meaningless, I've strayed too far from what I was. But I guess I'm back, this fucked up personality that kept me sane for so many years. The difference is, I've learnt to manipulate others....... and I've built up my discipline. If this keeps going I might really become a super villain in the future.......

          But this feelings will stay, and I hope it will stay forever. This pain, and anger, so much anger, enough to fuel my sanity. The thoughts of suicide are gone, the sole reason I live is feeding on anger, yet there is still kindness. There is just no way I could hurt anyone, I'll change this world my way, I'll find my own way. You chose to walk the path alone, you chose to be different, now you will pay for it, you'll pay for it with your life and change the world. But please, don't ever hurt anyone, even if you did go insane, don't hurt anyone.

Wanted to write "Who am I" as tittle, but it's boring so I'll go with this

          I just realized one of the major reason I'm feeling like shit lately, probably because of acceptance. Humans like to be told that they are doing well, by a 'god', by their friends and families, whatever. The thing is, I do think I'm getting the respect/acceptance I should be getting for the effort I'm putting in, but there is just a void there that can never fill no matter what I does. I just realized that I've always been running around being the person people expect me to be, and recently it's getting tiring. My ideology is still the same, but the way I portray them are sugar coated, I blend in according to situation manipulating them to my advantage.

          I've mentioned this in older post before, when you realized that all you have been doing is a lie, thinking that people likes you and end up finding yourself annoying as fuck, you'll only have 3 choices left, leave and be alone, continue being an annoying piece of shit, or just change yourself. Facing this problem again after so long has reminded me, the choice I made that makes me who I am today. This time I'm not going to submit anymore, I don't have the strength to do any of this, I'll probably end up killing my self. I don't really like being alone, but at least I wouldn't get hurt, I sounds like a pussy but this shit is real, I've never felt this bad in my life and I'm scared.

          Who do I actually want to be? Who do people think I am? I might be the weird piece of shit that is always nice to others, and likes to drop some 'philosophical' bomb once in awhile. But the truth is, if I had the choice I would be complaining all day long about every single action made my every single person, I'm a perfectionist, I would gladly accept my mistakes if anyone tells me about it, of course with reasons and facts. People doesn't work this way, they are easily offended, humans doesn't like the idea of changing when they are living comfortably under a warm roof, despite being told that the village is under fire. They will never do anything until their house got burned down and they are forced to leave.

          There are a lot of things that I like, and I like talking about them, the problem is nobody wants to listen to them. Recently I thought that I might have lifted a little of those burden, but in the end that's not actually the case. I can't just change my hobby, I wants to, I wants to be like everyone else that likes footballs and watch dramas, but I just couldn't. I don't know what I can do anymore (I'm saying this a lot recently, funny how I was always confident at what I'm doing), there is no fun in enjoying things alone. I hate being human, I hate being like this, can someone just take over please? If there is actually a god I would be extremely pissed, what the fuck do you want from me? You put me under a situation where I have to be someone else, gives me the ability to do so, but makes me who I am? FUCK YOU