Keeping the page updated, once in awhile

Wow, I don't know why I came back (just realized I'm always using this sentence as an opening, but who cares, it's my page, my rules), but reading my old post(s) I realize 3 things.......

First, my English was so freaking bad, I can't believe I acted like I'm very good with that language while not knowing how stupid I sounded........ luckily I don't have any memories of me screwing up in public or something equally embarrassing.

Second, I was so freaking stupid.......... God, the way I talk, the message I was trying to send, it makes me cringe every time I read a new post. But the latest one makes me sad, I saw the improvement, but I also saw the disappointment and sadness.

Third, how did I survive so long without killing my self? I think I really need help XD, if not for my extreme optimism and this happy go lucky personality, I might have killed my self. Maybe I'm fighting depression without knowing it? I don't really want to test it out though, it'll only makes peoples around me worry. I'm pretty sure too that I'm not ready (at all) to die yet, and I don't think this depression is gonna kill me.

I realize that humans needs a reason to live, an objective. So, what does it feels like when you don't have one? Mine is empty, I have no lust for money, not lust for sexual pleasure (unless it's a romantic relationship), I enjoy being knowledgeable but it's not why I'm living. Why am I living? What am I going to do? Most importantly, what do I want to do?

Then, I realized that I tend to forget about these worries and feelings when I'm with friends, or when I'm enjoying with my family, and also when I'm romantically attracted to someone. Maybe it's because I feel more human, "ignorance is bliss" is what people says, when you think less you worry less.

Things only got worst, now I'm addicted to attachment (is this even bad?), I've had good friends (seriously, I love you guys if you guys are ever reading this one day, I just don't say them in words since it'll get awkward real quick), I love my family, but I realize I'm extremely unattractive as a 'man' and my personality is weird as fuck. I have ridiculous amount of hobby (basically everything except sports), and this makes it hard for me to connect with anyone. As a normal human being I want to find a life partner, someone who can share my pain and happiness, but my expectation is too high.

I hate being at this age, is it even possible to not be interested in romance? I think I'm gonna be alone forever, but how do I get used to this? I don't believe in fate or whatsoever, but sometimes I just hope that there really is something like fate, that you'll meet somebody out there that likes you, and you likes her back.

Guess I'll stop here, it'll kill my eye next time I read this again since it's too freaking long.

Weird Dream

I don't know why I came back to this page, but somehow I just want to record my dream. There is nowhere else I can do that. Maybe I have gotten a little better at doing this? Hohoho, who knows. One day I'll read all the things I have posted. Lets get into the dream.

I lost all memories of how the dream started, but somehow I get to remember a large portion of it. From what I remember, I went to a shopping mall with my family. My dad and my youngest brother will be coming later for some unknown reason. I was wearing my pajamas, so I asked my mum when will we be getting home? Since we are in a high class shopping mall while I'm wearing something that look so stupid. Then, I proceed ask them for permission to use my dad's car once he reach the shopping mall with my youngest brother. They agreed on it and called my father and we got to know he haven't came out from the house yet. I got angry (I don't know why) and stomped out of the mall and say I'll find a way home my self.

As I walked out of the mall I decided to go up some stairs to cross a bridge (or is it call a bridge? It's pretty common in our country). While walking up the stairs I noticed someone familiar walking in front of me, then I realize it's Hydier, my high school classmate (I don't know why he's there). I walked behind him until I reached the highest floor, it seems to be a LRT station. He looked back at me and we realize how tired both of us are, so we just broke into laughter. He left for the LRT while somehow I decided to go back, maybe I wanted to walk instead?

As I left I notice someone very familiar and important, guess who she is? LiSA, LMAO. As a crazy fanboy I ran towards her for a picture, then shit happens, shit that I don't want to talk about to anyone except this page XD. She say that she wanted to take a picture with me too, and said something that we knew each other long time ago. (it's so awkward even when I'm just writing about this and knowing that no one will read it.........). Then someone else appeared, she say "I can prove it!" (I don't remember in what language, it's a dream man). Right after saying that, she took out her phone and instead of looking into the phone, I got a flashback.

In the flashback, there is a person holding a phone recording everything (or maybe, I'm not sure). The first scene was me lying on my old bed (the one I had when I was very young, in my old house) face down and keep on putting up my hand to block the camera. Then the camera move randomly and focus on another person, the one holding the camera was playing with that girl on my bed (maybe trying to prove that I knew this girl all along?). Then we end the flashback, we end up talking about 'old stuffs'.  Then we came up with a conversation about her singing, and I just hold her shoulder and say, "I love your voice". People around started cracking up jokes (especially my best friend irl). I woke up awhile after that, that's all for the dream. Somehow I want to remember this dream, it's weird but it makes me happy.

Memories? Just a record

Things are always changing, every part of your actions now will one day be memories. No matter what you do there is no way to have things always work the same way. Instead of having regrets with the past, it is always the best to work and fight hard now because now and future is what you can change, but the pass isn't. I can control what to think, I can control my action, but I can never control my feelings. I always dwell in the past, I remembers so much. I know there is nothing I can do to change those things now, but it always makes me feel sad. The only things I can do is escape from it with musics, or to share the pain. But there will be no one who can. I always think that being special or unique is something good, but having no one to understand what you think is not as fun as I thought. Once you've change you can never go back, is it wise of me to do what I am doing now? Good luck future me for reading this, I'll see what's your answer

I don't understand....... I'll make people hates me, someone please read it......

I'm going to die soon....... I really don't understand human, sometimes I doubt we are the same species........  we are so blind, seeing only what we desire, judging people according to the majority instead of the truth, killing one another because of so call 'God'. I think it is a good thing if we extinct, developing a superb brain but deny to use it, given the ability to choose but throwing it away, I use to be so stupid, but I've grown out of it, so why aren't other's doing so? As I learn more the more I feel I can't judge, people don't change, they are born to be like that. I don't have to change anyone, but I really want to find someone like me, I'm so out of this world......... Are people like me but deny to change? Or am I different and I have to change? Why can't people accept things, either live in fantasy and faith for a happy life, or blame life for what they have to face. Just change and fight on........ I don't want to be alone, I am not alone but I feel like no one is standing with me, no one understands me......

Speech??? = =

        Good morning/afternoon/evening to our principle, XXXXXXX, teachers and all my friend down there (if on stage). Today I'm going introduce one of my best interest, which is also know as animation. Animation will normally be mistaken as cartoon which is a huge mistake. Animation is originally started by Japanese, it is first drawn into pictures with subtitles which is know as Manga. Animation is now known world wide and become a great interest to many teenagers and even adults. What is it so special that make so many people have a great interest in it? Today I will be telling about the reason I am interested in animation and few example will be made according to the animation i had watched.
         Animation is so famous that there is even an event know as 'Cosplaying' held in every country. Cosplay is normaly know as 'costume event' but it is actually people wearing costume of their favourite character. Cosplaying is now know as a international job because many people likes to see their favourite character in human form and so they pay to take a look. Cosplaying events are normally held in a big hall or an open area. Visitors are allow to take pictures with the cosplayers, but permission must be granted before any pictures is being taken. Now days, money that is earn by freshman cosplayer is even better than a freshman doctor. But one must be good in looking to become famous in cosplaying.
          In another way, parents think that watching cartoon is just a waste of time. As I had just explain, cartoon are different from animation. Animation will normally show a life of a character instead of making jokes like 'Tom & Jerry' which always kills each other. Animation will normally show how a person go through hard work to get what their wants. One thing that is interesting about animation is the bond between friends of the main character in the story. Lets take an example, one of the most famous animation know as 'One Piece' tell us a very important moral value, 'Dont Ever Give Up On Your Friends'. This is the motto of the main character Luffy, no matter what happens, he will face all the problem to save his friends.

Weird Dream

   Today I had a weird dream, it it has the same feeling as last time I had this dream. Seems like the same dream just continuing the story. It started outside a big building, I was digging for something. Then I tried a small road to get up the the wall to go inside the mansion. There is a hotel on the left and a school(maybe is school) on the right. The hotel maybe is a 宿舍, I'm not sure. Then I went into the left one and take the lift. I woke up. The 2nd dream is today's one. It started in a small room, I'm readying for school (maybe is inside the hotel or something like that). Then the dream switch into the school, its very very very very big something like a whole taman. And suddenly, something makes me run, maybe is an explosion? I just started running, if I'm not mistaken I also started fighting, I just know that I'm very skilled in fighting (not normal but like super power or something like that) and I running everywhere, trying to find something but I don't remember what it is. Finally the dream changed, it seems like my previous school is boom~ already so I am changed into another school. I'm sitting infront, there is a girl on my left (I don't know her, but in my dream I talked to her like I really know her, I don't remember her face at all zzz) and a guy at my back, he seems to be and ADHD student (over active student). We was all talking until I finally woke up, I don't know why I still remember these dreams cause normally I won't remember anything. I fell in sleep again and had a dream again which I had no idea cause I totally forgot what is that dream, seems to be a fighting dream also. Today will be the weirdest day of my life~(maybe)

????????

           I wonder why is there so many question in this world, and I just got irritated for no reason and I always got fed up when my life is in pressure. I don't know if I'm a guy that can't accept hard work or that I always live in easy work too much. Hard work for me, is not what we means by using strength too much and got your self tired, is our mentally problem causes by too much of thinking and working. God(I don't know who he is but he is a fair existence, cause he make everything balance) create things in such a way that every human being has their weakness and their talent. Although many people see as that I can understand things and got to solve problem fast, but they don't know being good in IQ doesn't mean that I have a good memory. Malaysia is a country that need memorising in everything, a stupid way of living cause human should be creative not memorise everything and call your self smart. I still have the accept the faith that I live here and I must work for what I wan't and I learn from a good teacher that we should not complain but we should work. I really don't know how to solve the problem of being bad in memorising, what can I really do? I started miserably thinking that I'm so stupid that everyone can memorise things but I'm a stupid dum dum that  can do nothing although I understand things better, I can't explain things in words, I ask my friend, my teacher, even my family..... but the same answer came out, memorise.
            I would not be in headache if all my problem is solve. It is not cause by one major problem but many little problem that shouldn't have been even a big problem but when it all comes together it just became a real problem to me. Firstly is my family, if you ask me do I love my family, I would say yes, but I don't have any prove for that. After some few lesson I started to hate death, this is a problem that can't be deny by every human being since even the sun and earth has their limit. My father, he is a smoker, I talked to him few times but just have some little effect on him. I don't know how he accept about the world. I know that I can't lost him. Then the problem come to my mother, she seems to be always in bad mood this few month and I don't even dare to ask her why. My brother, that moron that also started smoking for no reason but it's his life, I can't anything except telling him what he should but what he want to do is not my business. My younger brother has no problem for me cause he is as playful as always and seems to be normal. My grandmother is old, he love us. I respect her, but the way my brother treated her make me angry every time, I hope I won't lost my temper and hit him one day.
            Today I went for kokurikulum in school, whole day work and I got no time to rest. After I came back from school still have to go for tuition at 7 o'clock till 10 o'clock. When I finally finish my tuition and going back home, my mother was talking to her friend and we started a topic, driving motorcycle. I'm a good driver, my father bought a Kawasaki motor and he told me that he wanted to bring me for a mountain ride one day. I was so happy, until the day he tell us that we won't be riding on motor because it is very dangerous. Today I found out the reason, my mother said that it is because of my brother. He is too naughty and he is causing allot of trouble. If my father let me take my license for motor but don't let my brother, it will cause him to mumble and talk stupid things. So I was not allowed to have license. All my dream since I was a child is to have fun with my father cause he is a very emo man but he is also a very protective man. It was all destroyed by my devil brother that don't even know how to think. But at least I still can take photo with my father when we are free, maybe that's still a way of being together. I hope everything will go well when time passes.
           If any of my friend is reading this, leave a comment please cause I tak tau who got read who doesn't lol = = and this blog has been abandon for so long. Hope there is still someone that remember it although I never tell anyone that I started writing again.