I Just Read My Older Posts, Again

          Holy shit.......... WTF is wrong with me LMAO. The depression scale went up like crazy. I went from "I'm sad, I hope I'll get better soon" to "I want to fucking kill myself but I can't". Also I've been visiting the page more frequently now, maybe I really should talk to someone. But I doubt it would help, this is my problem, something that I doubt many people will face, something that might be unique. I'm not saying that depression is unique, just the problems. To be honest I still don't know what is wrong, and I still don't know where I can start fixing this. There are times I want to die, but sometimes I do come into realization how awful the situation has become (Bipolar? I hope not. Am I encouraging my self to get diagnose with all kinds of serious mental illness? Who knows I might start hallucinating or get multiple personality syndrome, something the brain do to fight these pains). 

          I do realized that every time I read my post I feel like I was another person, even the most recent post on February made me feel completely different. I have memories of thinking like that, but if I do put myself back into the same situation I wouldn't think the same. I was indeed 'happy go lucky', although I still keep the trait outside (I don't like it when people worry about me, it makes me feel like I'm the only one with problems, a way to remind myself that the world will still move on with or without my presence), on the inside everything is completely realistic. I think a lot more about the future (hell, I even thought about the future of humanity), I take matter more seriously, and also I realize I've been really observant about others. 

          Let's talk more about the 'observant about others'. Since young I've never been good at socializing. If I remembered correctly, on a previous post I did mentioned that it's a skill I picked up, not something that I've born with. Imagine living your day thinking that your friends likes being around you, and one day came into realization you're actually annoying and socially awkward. That did changed me though, I start reading people's emotion and blend in accordingly, not because I want them to accept me, but because I didn't wanted to be alone. I've never thought of it as faking, as most of these feelings came naturally, I just focused on what I wanted to portray to them. It might be because of that I've never really liked interacting with people, I'll always keep in mind that nobody likes me. It takes time for me to convince myself that someone doesn't hate me. WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING THIS!?!?!? 

          But recently I've been doing this a lot, thanks to university work I got stuck with friends in the university (are they my friend? I do not know, they're never as close to me compare to some of my best friends, but I don't hate being with them) and I got cut off with people I enjoy talking with (maybe this is why I started getting a little crazy). This might have triggered my brain and says "you're all alone now, you better do something about it". 

          I don't know how to end this post, there wasn't really a main topic that I wanted to talk about when I started writing this. It's just that I felt like shit and I know if I don't do something about it I might break, so I came back to this page (as usual, fuck you for not talking with someone) and end up reading my older posts. But seriously, even post from 1 months back sounds really faint to me, it's kinda scary, as if I'm loosing my identity. Maybe I've given myself a persona? Oh BTW did I mentioned I do realize that my most recent post was 2 days ago? Yeah I'm pretty fucked, I hope this will end soon, I really need to fix this. Kudos to getting sunburned from welding arc, good luck future me reading this, please don't kill yourself yet.

The World Does Not Revolve Around US

          Like usual, I'm gonna start with bitching about how I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life =), but this time I have something extra, I have no idea what the hell everyone else is thinking when deciding what to do with their lives. Majority of humans live their lives searching for happiness, but what really is happiness? A dream car? Owning a big house and spending all your money on high class utilities? An ambition or a dream job? The thing is, most people think that they are looking at their 'future', but none of them cares that the 'future' is only about them. What is the reason to live and enjoy if you're going to die anyway without leaving anything behind, don't you think it is selfish for the sake of all humanity?

          I've always like to believe that humanity is capable for more, but the more I learn the more disappointed I get. We are selfish creatures, and we are very short sighted thanks to our short lifespan. I believe that majority of the humans living on this planet does not give a flying shit about what would happen after their death. Since young I've convinced my self that one of the most successful traits of humanity is our curiosity, we ask a lot and we learn a lot. I've always been convinced that it must be what kept us alive and one day we would find our answer to the question, why do we live? And one day the knowledge would be pass down to the next generation, and this cycle would repeat until we find our answer. But most people doesn't care about questions like these, or if they do, they would just settled with religion, and easier solution for a very complicated problem. But I could understand why, I've been very religious, I understand how religion gives a much simpler solution but as for now I can only say that it's a solution revolve around lies, lies you tell your self everyday when you wake up.

          I do not know why I live, the only thing I know is why people wants me to live, but I have no clue why I would want to. I live solely on expectation from others, I've lost hope of all my ambitions and dreams, and I find the pain of living like this growing as each day passes. To be honest if I'm living only for my self I would have attempted a suicide long ago, but each day I'm held back by what people would feel, what they would go through, and how much more less I could do for them if I died. To be honest I wish all of this are gone, I just want to rest, my brain is living while seeking for death, maybe one day I would sleep and not wake up, or the world will end without a single word, then I can finally stop having these pains.

Remember This

          Recently felt better after going through some shit, I could say I got lucky. I don't know what I will be feeling like in the distant future, the feeling I got back then was really painful to bare. This note is made mostly to encourage myself in the future when I come back to this blog, remember how this feels like. The burden has been dropped, things are going back to normal, the pain is gone. Live so that you may feel like that again, you may go through a lot, you may face something so painful where had never bore anything like that in your life. Whatever happens, keep going so that you can feel this again. There may not be a solution, but feeling changes as time pass, the pain may never go away but it will never hurt you as much. I believe that you may still have yet to find your answer, but keep going, all might not be in vain.