To be honest I don't really need to keep updating this blog to keep my self sane anymore, I think I've already get the hang of 'depression'. I don't think I have it anymore, it doesn't feel the same, I just want to update this just in case I might need to read this in the future. Like I mentioned before, I'm loosing track of who I am, and it's difficult to remind myself of who I am with just the memory of a fictional character. I no longer feel pain, it's quite plain compared to the nightmare I've gone through. At this date I'm am currently working, next week I will be receiving my second pay cheque. How time had pass so fast. The truth is after all this time I think I'm starting to understand depression, and I think I know how to avoid it.
The reason/thing that triggers me to write this is the video posted by Laina (overly attached girlfriend) on YouTube. I think depression only occur when you feels like you're not doing enough, or achieving anything (I still feel that, but it's different, I'll explain it). I remembered (without reading my older post yet, still have no balls to do it) that I always told my self "why am I put inside this brain, I could do so much yet I am not achieving anything, what am I suppose to do to get out of this position?". I don't really know how it ended. Nowadays I'm having frequent breakdown (not as serious, just felt like shit), there are times that I felt like I have no idea WTF I'm doing with my life, and I don't know where it will lead me. This makes me scared, scared from being someone who I never wanted to be, but as life goes on I start to understand that change is unavoidable.
I still want to die, like really badly, but I'm not feeling sad, or pain, or anger, I just........ wants to die. I don't want to die suffering, just like what I wrote previously (iirc), I just want to disappear and have someone replace me, I don't want to open my eyes tomorrow, but at the same time have someone replace this body. I can't just drop everything and leave my family, that would be irresponsible af. The thing is I still have no balls to do it, the idea of no longer existing without achieving something stops me from doing anything stupid, and my family is too important to me to just leave behind like that. But at time gradually pass I start to accept that I am achieving something, but it is for someone else, not for me. The idea of me actually doing something stops me from getting into depression, but it doesn't stop Dreams.
Also some update on my life with 'relationship'. After getting hurt real bad by Sing Yee case (should I be writing her name? hmmm well I do write this to help my self keep track, but at the same time I'm quite worried about others reading this and ruining someone else's privacy), I no longer long for that feeling. There is a barrier, maybe fear, of getting hurt again. I don't think that I'll ever like someone that much anymore, simply just because I have learnt what relationship really are. I think I have been always living in a box, and never knew that what I think of relationship is way way way different from the real world. TBH I'm not that interested anymore, it feels like a pain in the ass to get into a relationship, cause what I seek from it is not something anyone can give me (unless one day I meet the 'right one' which I don't think will ever happen). For others, relationship is a way to get to know someone and have them satisfy your need. For me, relationship is having someone you know and trust be part of your life.
I don't know, I'm getting better at talking with girls, no idea why the fuck that's happening, but also there are way less expectation when I do it, it's more like just talking with someone out of pure interest (which is affected by my biased attraction towards opposite sex). Who knows, maybe one day this will change, but I don't really want to put much hope into it.
I have a feeling this depression thingy will come back if I don't handle it with care, maybe one day that I'll really kill my self (I don't mind dying, but I don't want people around me to get hurt because of it, I don't mind me getting fucked up, just not to the people I care about). Well yay, I'm still alive, haven't kill my self. Life is getting really boring, I'm also reaching the age where I could no longer improve my 'brain' anymore, I have at best few more years. I think I should give up, I'll just wait for all of these to end, it has to end somewhere. Then by that time, maybe I'll come back and think about what to do with 'me'.
PS: I realize without depression I actually give less shit about what I write, I think my previous posts should look more fancy. I just don't have the energy to give a shit any more. This will do just fine, as long as I could understand it.
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