Wanted to write "Who am I" as tittle, but it's boring so I'll go with this

          I just realized one of the major reason I'm feeling like shit lately, probably because of acceptance. Humans like to be told that they are doing well, by a 'god', by their friends and families, whatever. The thing is, I do think I'm getting the respect/acceptance I should be getting for the effort I'm putting in, but there is just a void there that can never fill no matter what I does. I just realized that I've always been running around being the person people expect me to be, and recently it's getting tiring. My ideology is still the same, but the way I portray them are sugar coated, I blend in according to situation manipulating them to my advantage.

          I've mentioned this in older post before, when you realized that all you have been doing is a lie, thinking that people likes you and end up finding yourself annoying as fuck, you'll only have 3 choices left, leave and be alone, continue being an annoying piece of shit, or just change yourself. Facing this problem again after so long has reminded me, the choice I made that makes me who I am today. This time I'm not going to submit anymore, I don't have the strength to do any of this, I'll probably end up killing my self. I don't really like being alone, but at least I wouldn't get hurt, I sounds like a pussy but this shit is real, I've never felt this bad in my life and I'm scared.

          Who do I actually want to be? Who do people think I am? I might be the weird piece of shit that is always nice to others, and likes to drop some 'philosophical' bomb once in awhile. But the truth is, if I had the choice I would be complaining all day long about every single action made my every single person, I'm a perfectionist, I would gladly accept my mistakes if anyone tells me about it, of course with reasons and facts. People doesn't work this way, they are easily offended, humans doesn't like the idea of changing when they are living comfortably under a warm roof, despite being told that the village is under fire. They will never do anything until their house got burned down and they are forced to leave.

          There are a lot of things that I like, and I like talking about them, the problem is nobody wants to listen to them. Recently I thought that I might have lifted a little of those burden, but in the end that's not actually the case. I can't just change my hobby, I wants to, I wants to be like everyone else that likes footballs and watch dramas, but I just couldn't. I don't know what I can do anymore (I'm saying this a lot recently, funny how I was always confident at what I'm doing), there is no fun in enjoying things alone. I hate being human, I hate being like this, can someone just take over please? If there is actually a god I would be extremely pissed, what the fuck do you want from me? You put me under a situation where I have to be someone else, gives me the ability to do so, but makes me who I am? FUCK YOU

Hate

          From the dramatic title, you could already guess, it's to bitch about something. I'm starting to hate this world, the people, this society that we built, the rules we made, so many of them just doesn't make any fucking sense. I regret more and more as days goes on, I regret the very moment when I chose to resist ignorance, the moment that I can still remember until this day (if it's not something I made up of from my imagination, which is possible as I'm getting a little crazy), the moment I chose to listen to my teacher. I have been very religious for a long time, it's in our nature to want to believe that everything will be alright, I don't know what gave me the courage to step out of it and says "fuck everything, I'll observe in the mind of both parties and make decision".

          Maybe this long lasting pain would not be there if I chose to be ignorant, I could have been stupidly happy. I don't know what makes me who I am today, I feel so fucking lonely, there is just no one in this world that thinks like I am. The problem is not telling people what I think, the problem is telling people that what I think is right. I wants to argue, I wants to debate, but people gets angry when what they believe is 'offended'.

          I might be a little hypocritical saying this, as there are moments where I get angry when people tells me "that is not how things work". I do know that, but I just get fucking irritated, because I know that if that's how things work then there is so much more that we could have achieved. I don't have a purpose to live, the only thing fueling my life now is the responsibilities, and the only thing keeping me sane is the hatred towards this fucked up world. I don't want to think, I wish soul do exist, and I could just wake up tomorrow and be gone, leaving this empty shell to function as it should be. This way, I won't be throwing away the responsibilities, and I will finally be loose from this hell.