The world is making it really hard for me to live. Why...... Why why why why why why why is it always me. Am I being punished? There is just no more meaning in life. Society is cruel, humans are cruel, I can never understand this selfishness. I didn't wanted to come back, but this is just too much pain. Please, God, if you are real please fix this, I don't know what you want, please give him back. If you are real why are you making me suffer so much? I'm not asking for anything from you, I'm working my ass off everyday trying to he nice, all I wanted was to be happy, why are you making this so hard for me. I'm tired, so tired of living, of feeling this pain over and over and over and over.
Saturday 26 October 2019
Saturday 5 October 2019
Last Post
This will be the last post here, I won't need it anymore. But of course I would still write something before completely stopping, wouldn't be as interesting to read in the future. The truth is I finally got to talk about all these feelings, yay, and it was actually better that way. My best friend sent me a message, telling me that he'll always be there if I needs to talk, I broke out crying in the office toilet lol. I won't need this page anymore, I need to kill off the habit of keeping things to myself. Moreover, he told me to find a reason to live, just like the mc in Tenki no Ko. I have created a list of reason to live. Guess I'll have to make a promise to myself that I will always keep on living, I just need to keep searching for a reason, and keep exploring. That's an end to my depression, but today I will also end another feeling.
Feelings are actually fairly easy to manipulate, you just need to learn how to. I remembered the days where I had very had temper, I would just get angry easily everything something bad happen. It was a good emotion though, because I found a way to use those anger to channel it into positivity and kept on fighting, I believe I wrote it down too, probably in this blog. But as I grew I found those feelings troublesome, so as time pass I ditched them, I could barely even get angry now at most situation unless you're really poking at me to get me off.
Then there are the days with religion. I always wanted an answer to life, for a long time I thought that there is some almighty being that look over everything, else how could this world exist? Learning that the answers to this question is, there are no answers, was troubling. For a long time I didn't know how to dealt with those feelings, I thought that I would live with that guilt and fear of death for life. Look at me now, I could barely even feel the fear of death, it's not that I embrace it, I just found a way to ditch it, as usual.
I always been trying to improve, to chase after perfection, I thought that if you set an impossible goal you'll always be improving. But honestly I'm really lost. The moment you loose your goal post you no longer know where to run, because it's not with you. I need to change this, I have to live for my self, the goal post will now be placed right in front of me by my self. If I keep chasing after perfection I might end up loosing all emotions, in the end a perfect being is one that can judge without being influenced by any outside source.
But before that I'll need to settle a final task. I promised my self that I would never fall in love again, because it hurts so much and I couldn't think straight for most of the time. For a time I actually achieved it, I locked away those feelings, which led to all these shits happening right now with Ai Leen. But I don't regret any of this, the things I got out of this is I'm proud to say that I have a best friend that would always be there for me. This actually made me wanna cry when I'm typing. The 'perfect family' I was always looking for (wrote about it in a post before, don't confuse it with normal family with husband and wife, I'm talking about something like Fairy Tail) might not be that far away, I just need to speak out more.
(Heck I had to retype this entire passage because the page reloaded, hope I didn't change it too much)
This will be the last time I'm falling in love. I promised my self to not love again after getting hurt so much, yet I only got to lock it away, and all these shits led to the situation with Ai Leen right now. Everytime I cast away those feelings I gave my self a reason to, and for this one it would be to keep on living. I'll no longer live waiting for someone to pull me out from shits, all these hopes and expectations from a relationship is just making things worst. Apparently it's quite common for people to not feel any of these sexual attraction, I don't see why I can't achieve it, it's happening only in my mind. But I guess with this I won't be able to date anyone anymore, it's just that it would be meaningless for me once I achieve it, just like religion. I'm gonna die a virgin like Newton and Tesla I guess, who knows I might change the world like they did heh.
Okay, bye bye blogger, if I die you'll die with me, so let's hope I'll keep on living and come back and read shits here and laugh at it.
Feelings are actually fairly easy to manipulate, you just need to learn how to. I remembered the days where I had very had temper, I would just get angry easily everything something bad happen. It was a good emotion though, because I found a way to use those anger to channel it into positivity and kept on fighting, I believe I wrote it down too, probably in this blog. But as I grew I found those feelings troublesome, so as time pass I ditched them, I could barely even get angry now at most situation unless you're really poking at me to get me off.
Then there are the days with religion. I always wanted an answer to life, for a long time I thought that there is some almighty being that look over everything, else how could this world exist? Learning that the answers to this question is, there are no answers, was troubling. For a long time I didn't know how to dealt with those feelings, I thought that I would live with that guilt and fear of death for life. Look at me now, I could barely even feel the fear of death, it's not that I embrace it, I just found a way to ditch it, as usual.
I always been trying to improve, to chase after perfection, I thought that if you set an impossible goal you'll always be improving. But honestly I'm really lost. The moment you loose your goal post you no longer know where to run, because it's not with you. I need to change this, I have to live for my self, the goal post will now be placed right in front of me by my self. If I keep chasing after perfection I might end up loosing all emotions, in the end a perfect being is one that can judge without being influenced by any outside source.
But before that I'll need to settle a final task. I promised my self that I would never fall in love again, because it hurts so much and I couldn't think straight for most of the time. For a time I actually achieved it, I locked away those feelings, which led to all these shits happening right now with Ai Leen. But I don't regret any of this, the things I got out of this is I'm proud to say that I have a best friend that would always be there for me. This actually made me wanna cry when I'm typing. The 'perfect family' I was always looking for (wrote about it in a post before, don't confuse it with normal family with husband and wife, I'm talking about something like Fairy Tail) might not be that far away, I just need to speak out more.
(Heck I had to retype this entire passage because the page reloaded, hope I didn't change it too much)
This will be the last time I'm falling in love. I promised my self to not love again after getting hurt so much, yet I only got to lock it away, and all these shits led to the situation with Ai Leen right now. Everytime I cast away those feelings I gave my self a reason to, and for this one it would be to keep on living. I'll no longer live waiting for someone to pull me out from shits, all these hopes and expectations from a relationship is just making things worst. Apparently it's quite common for people to not feel any of these sexual attraction, I don't see why I can't achieve it, it's happening only in my mind. But I guess with this I won't be able to date anyone anymore, it's just that it would be meaningless for me once I achieve it, just like religion. I'm gonna die a virgin like Newton and Tesla I guess, who knows I might change the world like they did heh.
Okay, bye bye blogger, if I die you'll die with me, so let's hope I'll keep on living and come back and read shits here and laugh at it.
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