Mirrors of Broken Glass

I wonder how many times has this happened, why do I always have to face problems alone? I don't know what I did that lead me to this situation, I always try really hard to keep the people I care for around me, and I always hope that I could talk to them about my problems. Maybe I think it's time, but I don't know who actually cares, I don't know who would actually listen when I talk to them. There are also times I don't actually know what is the problem, if it is that simple I would have solved it from the start. I think I'll talk to someone, I don't want to end up killing my self, I've went through this and I know the possibilities.

I've always thought that I could stand up as many times as possible every time I fall, and it would make me stronger. Yes, I did became stronger, but before I even have time to lick my wound I just keep falling steeper and steeper, like there is no end. Sometimes I wish I could just hard program my brain like we do with machines, altering memories or changing some core emotions.

All this just feels like....... a dark room, there used to be light, but the clouds has turned everything dark, and the only thing that keeps the place warm is a small fire, a fire built by hate, yet I could feel it flickering, one day it will burn out and the room will remain dark, and I do not know how long I would stay sane in that situation.

Will I hesitate? Will I ever talk to someone? I do have someone in mind, but I wonder if he'll care. I really really wish that there is actually a god, but it's just so much as just a wish, just like my dreams.

Identity

I'm just as confuse and as lost as I used to be, every time I think that I came close into finding an answer it will always creates more problems. I think I should just admit that an answer simply doesn't exist. I need to work on this in a different way yet I just don't know how, there is no guidance nor predecessor that can tell me what to do. I don't know what I should feel about this insanity, always standing at the border of reality and fantasy, but without it I just won't have the courage to open my eyes the next morning. There are times I wish I could just be myself, but for some reason the way people (only those that I care about) think of me are affecting me so much so that it would only drive me further into depression, I don't want to experience that again.......

Yet, after going through so much it all comes back to being alone, it's always an empty room with me sitting inside, occasionally going out for some refreshment but always, always coming back to this empty room that nobody gives a shit about. Let me rephrase it, it's not empty, it's a room that I fill up with stuffs that matters a lot to me, you could say that it is so full that there is no more room for anything else, but for some reason I'll always find a way to put more stuff in. I've been waiting for a day where I could open up this door and welcome someone inside, but after what I've been through I guess the doors might be locked forever.

I think depression is coming back, I've never like it, I've gone through it once but this shit hits too hard, there is just no way of going out. I wonder if people will ever understand (or even tries to) what it feels like to sleep every night hoping that the next day, the one that open its eyes aren't you.