Pain makes you who you are?

Nothing much to update this time, just wanna type this out so I might remind myself of this in the future(?). I do realize that most of my personality came from the pain I endure, every time I go through something it feels like I've became another person. It could be just that I'm running away from the past, seeing how weak I was. Maybe it's just because that I'm so blinded that I couldn't see my weakness until I hit something hard. I wonder what I will be like in the future, after going through more and more, things are slipping away from my hand, and I'm just desperately trying to grip it. Every time I got a hold of it I forget the pain that push me that far, the problem is I only feel this super when I go through some shit, and at the same time I don't like feeling like shit. I wonder if they'll ever be a solution so that I can be both at the same time.........

False Hope Will Always Be Better Than Despair

I'm getting too lazy to type the spaces in the start of every paragraph, so I guess  I'll just go with this style from today onward. To be honest the reason I come back here is different from the one back then, I guess you could say it's a complete recovery. The pain that could have potentially killed me is no more, although sadness and emptiness are still there but things has just gone back to the way it was, when I've accepted these feelings and when there is still a 'hope' to live for. Guess I'm no different from back then, just with some minor upgrades (or probably major, I'm not entirely sure, but I do feel the same as I used to though).

This madness inside has been revived I guess, maybe it got out of hand when I tried to be the person that others want me to be, could it be that accepting that I'm fucking crazy and I don't have to be like everyone else is the solution for this? It does feel nice being 'mad scientist', and I won't hide the fact that it's totally inspired by Okabe (if you ever forget who this is, then you don't worth living, please kill yourself, unless you got an amnesia, then you should probably check him out).

Going back to reading romance manga or watching romance anime does brings back memories though, the emptiness I feel whenever I got back into reality. This time it's much different though, you could say that I've already accepted that the person I'm waiting for do not exist, and even if she do, I may never meet her. There is no point chasing after a dream that could never be achieve, there is a reason why you're called Dreams, to remind yourself that there are things that can't be done, and you need to get a hold of yourself and fight for what is till possible.

Hope may not be the same as it used to be anymore, I'm pretty sure I was lost af, although I don't really remembered what if felt like back then. Every time I come back to this blog I feel like another person, it's like reading story from someone that I don't know. Going back to the topic, I was lost af, and the thing is I still am, I don't have an objective or reason to live, all I do is just keep on living. The thing is, is there even suppose to be a reason? Why couldn't there be none? You don't need to keep finding, just do whatever you like, you're gonna die anyway. I don't know if this conclusion will ever help the future me when I come back and read this, but this is helping for now. Just remember what it feels like to be a little crazy, or maybe more than just a little, and just do whatever the hell you like. Society will never accept you as you are, and you don't need them to, why would you need these pathetic creatures that could barely use their brain to accept you? (But to be honest, don't hurt anyone, I'm pretty sure I write this a lot whenever I write something that direct my hate towards humanity, but hurting people is different) You wanted to be a god, it may sound fucking retarded even now, but that is who you are, and I hope that this is still who you are, and who you're gonna be.

I wish I could come up with some cool 'outro' to end my writings, it would be cool, maybe I should give some thought into it, something as cool as El Psy Congroo.