It's finally over, I hope?

          I can't believe I actually got over it, it felt really impossible at that time though. I have no idea how I did it, it's just a triggered switch. It got so bad my brain goes "fuck you, we need Hououin Kyouma back" and those pain turned into anger, an anger filled with hatred towards all of humanity. I guess I'm back to the 'lone-wolf' shit, seriously I wish there is a way to trigger this whenever it happens again, then I wouldn't have gone through so much trouble. There is always a part of me still waiting though, always waiting for somebody to dig a tunnel through all those mess and pull me out of it. But I guess it's just impossible, there is no one in this world that think like I do. I wanted to believe that I'm 'better' than others, but I guess it's just an illusion my brain tell itself to convince me that I'm normal and instead everyone is not catching up, but it is the other way round, instead it is me who chose not to follow the crowds.

          I'm gonna fucking die anyway, I'll do everything I can to reach my only goal now, to break this world. It is very likely that I'm going to fail though, but it's better than going back to what I went through. Oh if you're reading this now in the future I don't mean that I'm going to break the world and send it to its doom, you're not a demon lord. Break this chain, break this cycle, break these thoughts, make them think, if you're the only one being weird right now then make an entire generation of weirdos. Nobody will care, or even if they do try they will never understand, there is no point waiting for someone to come and feel lonely, pass down your knowledge and make more 'you', that's what it meant to be 'alive'.

          Oh BTW during this time you have removed the link you secretly hide on Facebook, this is where it starts to be more of a diary than a message (maybe still a message but from me to future me). I'm not gonna stop writing though, in fact I guess I'll be coming back more often, writing did helped me go through all this shit. I'll keep my thought in check from time to time, I feels like I'm loosing my identity, this diary will remind myself what it feels like to be me.

8th April 2018

          I'm coming back so often to the point I don't even care any more. I'm kinda tired of waiting, hoping that things will change, hoping that something good will happen the next day. But positive expectations do wear off. As each day passes my trouble grows, I find it harder and harder to fix my mind onto something. I remember the day where things were much more simpler, living every day waiting for the weekends to come so I can finally take a break. I feel like I'm loosing my self, everyday I ask myself "Who am I? What do I want? What can I do?". But there is always no answer, why did I chose this path? It would have been much more easier if 'God' is enough as the answer to all these questions.

          I think I have adapted to being the one listening at other's story to the point that I do not know how to tell my story. The problem is, recently things have gotten so out of hand that I just want to talk to someone, but it always just feels like, nobody would cares, and nobody would understand, and nobody could help, I don't blame them, this is my problem. The fact that I suck at talking to others made the matter worst, it has always been fine for me to handle things alone, I don't know when this started, but I really hate how things are going right now. I live everyday fearing what tomorrow might bring, there are times where I just hope today would last forever, so that the problem tomorrow will never come.

          There is a part of me fighting it self, in short I'm starting to think I do not know who I am. I have never knew what I want, and I live everyday waiting for the day where I could find my answer. Not only did the answer never came, it also made me realize that all the things I did doesn't mean anything, I did not achieve anything in life, and I'm not heading anywhere in the future. To make matter worst, this is the worst time ever for my brain to trigger any romantic feelings. It has always been easy in the past where most of the things around doesn't matter, although I never did anything and never achieved anything in the romantic aspect and it was kinda sad, but that was the only thing that troubles me at that time. I have to handle all this bullshits while at the same time getting affected by "what she thinks of me?" now, which will always make things worst (because I'm 100% sure that this is not like movies or anime, but a part of my brain just couldn't stop trying so hard to do something like it would achieve anything, I wonder would it help if I just fucking cut off my balls).

          I just want to shut off a part of this and focus of one problem at a time, I have too many to worry about, and fuck me, some of them doesn't even have an answer. I don't even care if anybody will read this, I don't even care of what I would feel when I come back to read this in the future, things would only go worst from now on, the only thing that can change this right now is me being good enough to tackle all this without blowing my brain up. I have to do something, I just don't know where to start, I don't know what can help, and I don't even have anyone to talk to. Great, sometimes I wish life is as simple as solving Mathematics.