Jan 2023

Did not expect to be back so quick, but there are some interesting event that I need to record since everything happened really quickly right after the last one. So apparently I feel absolutely horrible now, most likely depression is back. I kind of expected this, so my plan to bring back 'emotions' did work out, although not the way I predicted it to be. Got some help from anime, I should probably write the sequence down in case it will be useful in the future. So I started with Bocchi the Rock! since it was recommended by my friend, I cried in the middle of it while (partially) trying to force some form of emotion. End up crying in the middle of it, the only way I could explain about those experience is it felt like something that was suppressed was finally let out. The first few days felt really good, it's like I finally got out of a horrible nightmare; Probably the same thing I felt when I first got out of depression. The follow up was a pretty bold move, since I managed to remind my self of what having friends felt like and what I wanted to do since I was a high school kid. For a moment I felt lonely, I wanted to talk with someone, wanted to have fun. So I thought the next thing to do should be obvious, to test how shit I can feel, so I decided the watch Made in Abyss movie while being in Discord with my friends after what felt like eternity. So it did had some impact on me, made me feel absolutely horrible but not to the point where I'm depressed, but more of a emotion that came out of empathy. I wanted to shake off those feelings, hence proceeded to move on to Romantic Killer. It looks like the kind of romance anime that I used to love, and apparently I wasn't wrong. The only problem is it kinda make me feel like shit now, so being absolutely fine alone was part of a perk I got while having a heart of stone. Since now I'm more human apparently I lost the ability. 

So, that sums up what happened to this point. But I believe I still need to write down more about my thoughts since everything so far is just a catch up on events. I believe that despite being introvert, I apparently seek out social interaction pretty strongly. My mind do feel clear now, when day passes I do feel it now. Yet it makes me feel really really lonely. I reminded me of not being able to talk to anyone about my problem, feeling absolutely horrible and thought that being in a relationship is the solution to everything, and end up throwing a huge burden to whoever was the receiving end at that time. I don't think I can ever solve this problem, living has pretty much feel meaningless and ending it does feel like the fastest way, or a shortcut, to all my problems. Although I do feel a little less guilty to die now, since life feel even less meaningful that it was for some reason. Still, it does not mean I want to yet, there are still a part of me who wants to fight, luckily. I think I need to experience something new, I should probably try something different, meet someone new. Yeah it's almost impossible to meet anyone who can understand, but a big part of it should be on me who doesn't even try. Although as of now I do not know what to do and where to start, but this pain that makes me feel like someone is waiting, or I'm waiting for someone has been here, always been here. I kind of hate this feeling, but compare to what it was last time it does feel something like bitter sweet instead. I may be doomed to feel like shit for eternity until the day I die but at least now I have some form of emotions. At least I won't be pushing everyone away,  at least I am capable of accepting someone's emotion and also laugh and cry when I feel like it, or most importantly I can feel like it.

I do not have much hope of what is to come, since this is what it's supposed to feel like when you're in a depression anyway. There are one thing that is different from what I predicted though, I don't think this is a high functioning depression, this is a depression depression, or "I really just want to die and let it end" depression. So if I don't do something about it things might go really bad soon, let's just hope whatever the fuck I'm thinking of doing now will take into effect. It doesn't feel like I have much time to try.

Dec 2022

I've been getting pretty lazy to write this but somehow I still keep reminding my self to do it before the year ends. I don't really know where to go with this since it wasn't plan or anything, let's see what my thoughts bring me to. Time has been flying by at super high speed for me recently, I'm not sure if it's because every day is just bland and blurry or it's just me getting older. But to be honest, I think it's a combination of both, life has been nothing but boring and tiring, yet I don't feel the shit I used to feel. It's still the same old "I wish I don't exist" but I'd say, I feel more..... alive, in as sense, I'd be scared of death for a moment and another moment I'd wish I could just disappear without a trace. What pain me is, without the constant stress I used to feel, nothing is pushing me forward. I get very tired of life and wish that I could just stop doing anything, lay down and just sleep every day. 

I just heard about something called a high functioning depression, that probably is what I got. Apparently, you could get so tired and stress of living to the point where the only thing that could distract you is working. I faintly remember feeling like shit only when I have nothing to do, and I would usually purposely overwork on certain things and my justification for it was because "I know I can do better". Honestly I don't know how to get out of it, I don't think this is any better than what I was experiencing. It's kinda odd, after doing everything I can so that I could no logger feel what I used to feel, now I'm tempted to dig back all these old feelings that I have forgotten so that I could feel things again. Just the world going round and round, I don't think they'll ever be an end.

Talking about digging out feeling, I've been trying to remind my self to write about this too. I believe I used to feel a lot more emotions, before, whatever the fuck this is that happened to me. Maybe it's a coping mechanism the brain uses to not overload? I'm not entirely sure. But there are times where I would randomly get extremely emotional to things, and that always reminds me of how things used to make me feel. That's probably part of why I want to start getting 'depressed' again, which is very odd. It's probably because life is so damn numb, even pain feel like something spicy I should try. I'll probably try to get back though, since this doesn't feel any better than what I used to feel. I would rather be high functioning with absolutely no fear of death rather than this weird ass situation I'm in. But I'll probably change my mind when I got to the other side, yeap, life is always cleaner on the left side, or what was it again? Ahh doesn't matter. Hope future me don't read this and think "What the fuck are you writing" since it's a pretty lame joke, given the circumstances I'll probably not remember any shit I write here since my brain is getting pretty fucked up. Feels like my personality just going lolo (refer to Hawaian) 

I'm not sure if I've already stopped using all forms of social media during the last time I wrote here, but I think I should mention that here too. I don't know why, but I can trace this emotionless status back to that point. But now that I have tried to come back and express my self, I could remember going out with friends and talking about my problem when I don't feel right. Yet, I could only feel tired thinking about having to share my problems with them. If I have to guess, I'd say it's because connection with people feels fake to me? There are friends like Justien that I can remember actually caring about my well being, but other wise I don't really feel like sharing will help me with anything. Although I am, maybe not on purpose, avoiding Justien since I don't really wanna talk about 'feeling' and I know he'll ask since he cares(?). But I do feel bad about turning him down since I actually, at least from what I remembered, would enjoy hanging out with him from time to time, and at the same time I don't want him to think that I'm pissed off at everyone else or something. I guess I just don't like having someone else know about my problem, because I'm not normal, nothing is normal for me. It took a long time for me to realize it's a problem being different, not that I could not be normal just like everyone else. I feel like I have push my self ahead for so long being normal now is giving up on everything I made my self work on. I used to believe that if I work hard enough I'd get to work with geniuses and finally be able to know where I really stand, but at this point of life I could only say I'm better than the average (at least everyone that I know), but yet probably not good enough. Sometimes I wish life could be simpler, and I could have just kept on learning and studying whatever the hell I want. 

I guess I could end it here, or maybe I'll add something in the romantic aspect? Since It's very uncommon that I'd write here without mentioning something about it. But to be honest there aren't much to tell. Since I got my self into this emotionless mess, I don't really feel any 'kick' to do anything for my self in that aspect. I did told someone that she'll be the last, I guess I'm holding up to that pretty well. I'm probably gonna die a virgin like Newton aren't I, except that I don't be worship as the man who change physics, heck I'll be happy if I could even be acknowledge as "pretty smart" by my social circle, since nobody even thinks I'm capable of it anyway.

Well I do have a new thing to write this round huehuehue

Lumæ Konos Animus

June 2021 Update

Writing here doesn't feel much like I'm complaining to a wall anymore, and I do enjoy doing this once in awhile now. It feels more like a record of my thoughts that I find interesting at the moment, something that might be important for me to remember in the future. Recently YouTube has been recommending me to lots of drama, might not be intentional but it does ruin my mood for a bit. I'm not exactly pissed at people for causing drama, like "why can't you just be normal" which is what I used to do, my mood kinda got ruined for realizing that things doesn't always ends up like fairy tales in our imagination. I'll elaborate on that more.

I don't know about others, but for me brains always wants to see the positive side of things, or at least the illusion of wanting to (when I was going through shit few years back, what I thought that I was looking very hard for positive things to look forward for, yet could not find any, but I can say the same for me now, yet I do not entirely feel like suiciding at any moment). Which is why online, where everyone shares only the positive side of themselves for content, gives us the illusion that everything is so happy there. I could say I always knew life isn't as simple as that, it's just that this current event do reminds me of how real life is even for people who try their best to share, or at least try to share, happiness with others online. 

I can understand why most content creator try their best to avoid negativity on their platform, it's the same for me IRL, I'd want people to think that I'm doing well since that's what makes everyone happy. I have always thought that if I am laughing and be happy all the time, people would do the same, and that would make me happy too. Seeing people's live getting broke down online, seeing their real selves, reminds me of how real life is. This is quite depressing, just one question came up to my mind at that moment, why can't the world be more simple, where everyone try to be happy and shares those happiness with each other. You know, we as humans has reached a stage where nothing else living on this planet can dream to achieve.

Food and shelter CAN be easily acquired so much more easily compare to the wild if we wants to, yet people are homeless, starving, dying on the streets. I used to think that everyone should be sharing with the unfortunate, I still do in a sense, but I start asking if they really do deserve it? In a perfect world where everyone is trying their best, trying to be good for everybody else because we are the same species and we should be helping each other, yes that I  would agree that we should always help each other. But yet we live in a world where humans, the real humans, are ugly as fuck. For me, growing up is realizing how ugly the world is, and apparently I am forced to (even by those who are closed to me, I don't blame them, I only tell my self I am different) accept it and "grow up, be mature" because that's how the world is. I always do, or at least try to say "yes, that's how the world is, but that doesn't mean I should be happy with that, I will accept the truth but don't stop me from complaining like hell all the time".

Humans are selfish, honestly I don't know what makes me different from the rest, but I could never understand selfishness, for me it's something that has always cause more harm than good. In a sense we should be fighting for our selves to get basic necessary, to survive, but we do not need anything more than that. I'm not asking people to just give away whatever they acquired for 'greater good', that's complete bullshit, but those who are screwing up others to gain what they want, those kind of selfishness I could never understand. That's what makes me despise a human immediately. But interacting with people I do get it that almost everyone has a little of that in them, what I understand from them is that most people keeps that greed under control with "I should be good to others". It is actually pretty ugly to me, yes it is better than not trying, but I honestly could not understand that thought. Maybe when I was younger and could not understand empathy, but as of now I just could never understand. The fact that I am not telling anyone this proves that I knew, or at least think, they would just get pissed of and starts an argument with me, yes I used to do that a lot too, but nowadays I try to be nice to people when talking to them with conflicted ideas. 

I think I wrote more than I expected, this page has gone from talking to a wall where I wish someone would know I'm dying inside, to something I don't really want to show anyone. I guess it turned into a 'diary' of some sort, ignoring the fact that I only update once in awhile. As usual I guess I should end it with a small updates of myself currently, I'm currently thinking of the idea of opening a channel to share my hobby. I have ridiculous amount of hobby, I don't want it to be something to gain attention, it should be something more like a place to update my progress so I can see my own growth, while at the same time try to shares things that makes me happy with others. This is all just a thought though, it will never happen if I never even try, let's see what I will be like when I come back and read this next time.

I'm back with a different view

 I think I wrote about not coming back to this page anymore since I don't really need  the help at this moment of my life. But I think I will keep the tradition of writing at least once a year for self reflection. The problem is I don't really have much to write about, my mind is pretty clear recently although there are still not much motivation to wake up everyday. I would say I have found a solution to that depression-ish feeling that used to haunt me, although it's not an answer that the 'me' in the past was expecting, but at least it still get things done. 

I have finally get to accept that, I'm different from the rest of the world. Whether I like it or not people will stay being who they are, maybe I don't really belong here, maybe there are somewhere else that can make me feel less lonely. But as of now there really still isn't a solid solution for me to fix this, but as always, dreams, the name, that's what I am. For now I just feel like if I don't accept the fact that it is way easier for me to understand things compare to an average person, I would be insulting them. The right way to think would be I'm lucky, but for me it is just a curse. You know, if not for how the world is I would be spending my time learning about physics and mathematics, or maybe rocket engineering. There are always give and take in things, I'm lucky, but not lucky enough to be happy. You know, if you could live your life thinking that every day is a blessing, you should really appreciate that, there is nothing worth more than actually being happy.

The older post feels really gloomy, I don't really feels like reading any of them at this moment. It may reminds me of things that I don't want to remember, and emotions that I don't want to feel anymore. But I'm pretty confident I can take that, just that there isn't really a reason for me to go through that. There really aren't as much things for me to say as what it used to be, there aren't much emotion left for me to express anymore. You know, sometimes I think that what would have happened if I made a different choice in any point of my life, would I still be anything near who I am currently? I've been through a lot to get to what I am, although I'm finally confident and calm, I do feels like I no longer wish to move forward. If there's one thing I've learnt in life is that every time I push forward I get further and further away from everything else, that will not be healthy for my brain. But every time I learnt something new or cool, there's still this tingling inside me, like I'm meant to do more, more than just..... this. Only if there's a place for me to go all out and not think about any consequences or what others think. I always joke that I want to move to Mars, the truth is humans has been pretty disappointing so far, I really do want to move to Mars and probably, die? I don't know, I don't feels like dying everyday anymore, I do fear it sometimes. But there is still a part of me that thinks that it's the only solution to end everything. Heck, if there's an after life with more problem to solve that's gonna be a pain in the ass.

I think I'll end here, my plan was actually to write a summary of my life but I don't really have much to talk about. For us to make memory there must be something to remember for, but my memory has been deteriorating more and more, there are less and less thing I care about, nothing much important in my life to remember anymore. Time fly by very fast. There is not much to summarize especially with this Covid pandemic from fucking west Taiwan going on, I guess that's another year. I wonder what I will do next year, will I ever get the courage to change things? Oh before I really do end, I guess I can't let this be the only post where I don't talk about problem with girls can't I? I don't have anything at all to talk about for this year so I guess.... this will do? Still haven't figured out an outro that's something like El Psy Congroo, maybe I should think more about that.

Why

The world is making it really hard for me to live. Why...... Why why why why why why why is it always me. Am I being punished? There is just no more meaning in life. Society is cruel, humans are cruel, I can never understand this selfishness. I didn't wanted to come back, but this is just too much pain. Please, God, if you are real please fix this, I don't know what you want, please give him back. If you are real why are you making me suffer so much? I'm not asking for anything from you, I'm working my ass off everyday trying to he nice, all I wanted was to be happy, why are you making this so hard for me. I'm tired, so tired of living, of feeling this pain over and over and over and over.

Last Post

This will be the last post here, I won't need it anymore. But of course I would still write something before completely stopping, wouldn't be as interesting to read in the future. The truth is I finally got to talk about all these feelings, yay, and it was actually better that way. My best friend sent me a message, telling me that he'll always be there if I needs to talk, I broke out crying in the office toilet lol. I won't need this page anymore, I need to kill off the habit of keeping things to myself. Moreover, he told me to find a reason to live, just like the mc in Tenki no Ko. I have created a list of reason to live. Guess I'll have to make a promise to myself that I will always keep on living, I just need to keep searching for a reason, and keep exploring. That's an end to my depression, but today I will also end another feeling.

Feelings are actually fairly easy to manipulate, you just need to learn how to. I remembered the days where I had very had temper, I would just get angry easily everything something bad happen. It was a good emotion though, because I found a way to use those anger to channel it into positivity and kept on fighting, I believe I wrote it down too, probably in this blog. But as I grew I found those feelings troublesome, so as time pass I ditched them, I could barely even get angry now at most situation unless you're really poking at me to get me off.

Then there are the days with religion. I always wanted an answer to life, for a long time I thought that there is some almighty being that look over everything, else how could this world exist? Learning that the answers to this question is, there are no answers, was troubling. For a long time I didn't know how to dealt with those feelings, I thought that I would live with that guilt and fear of death for life. Look at me now, I could barely even feel the fear of death, it's not that I embrace it, I just found a way to ditch it, as usual.

I always been trying to improve, to chase after perfection, I thought that if you set an impossible goal you'll always be improving. But honestly I'm really lost. The moment you loose your goal post you no longer know where to run, because it's not with you. I need to change this, I have to live for my self, the goal post will now be placed right in front of me by my self. If I keep chasing after perfection I might end up loosing all emotions, in the end a perfect being is one that can judge without being influenced by any outside source.

But before that I'll need to settle a final task. I promised my self that I would never fall in love again, because it hurts so much and I couldn't think straight for most of the time. For a time I actually achieved it, I locked away those feelings, which led to all these shits happening right now with Ai Leen. But I don't regret any of this, the things I got out of this is I'm proud to say that I have a best friend that would always be there for me. This actually made me wanna cry when I'm typing. The 'perfect family' I was always looking for (wrote about it in a post before, don't confuse it with normal family with husband and wife, I'm talking about something like Fairy Tail) might not be that far away, I just need to speak out more.


(Heck I had to retype this entire passage because the page reloaded, hope I didn't change it too much)
This will be the last time I'm falling in love. I promised my self to not love again after getting hurt so much, yet I only got to lock it away, and all these shits led to the situation with Ai Leen right now. Everytime I cast away those feelings I gave my self a reason to, and for this one it would be to keep on living. I'll no longer live waiting for someone to pull me out from shits, all these hopes and expectations from a relationship is just making things worst. Apparently it's quite common for people to not feel any of these sexual attraction, I don't see why I can't achieve it, it's happening only in my mind. But I guess with this I won't be able to date anyone anymore, it's just that it would be meaningless for me once I achieve it, just like religion. I'm gonna die a virgin like Newton and Tesla I guess, who knows I might change the world like they did heh.

Okay, bye bye blogger, if I die you'll die with me, so let's hope I'll keep on living and come back and read shits here and laugh at it.

[Nightmare Series] Chasing After Ghost

This one will be different from the rest, since it does actually affects me irl. Had a nightmare before actually facing another nightmare. Don't really want her to read this but already sent her the link, and I don't have any other place to write my stuff unless I change the link address. Not gonna do that, got into so much trouble just to start talking. If I go back now things will just return to what it was. I'll have to face the problem head on. Okay, to know the context of the story I think I'll just write most of what happened at this date down, since I'll probably try to forget it in the future (as usual).

Two weeks ago, on 2nd of September, I went out with this girl I like and confessed in the shittiest way possible. I realized on the spot that I had no idea how to convey my feelings to others, not just the 'romantic' one, but most of them except joy and sometimes frustration. On the next day I called my friend out and finally talked about all these feelings. I broke down in front of him, tears that I was always hiding because I don't want people to think I'm weak. For a moment it felt like I'm sharing all these weight that I had to bare alone to someone I trust. But there are still regrets of talking about it, he'll never see me the same way again. Maybe troughout my life I always had to look strong, that I will be the only person to do this, because nobody else will take this place. I don't want to look weak because I want pity from him, or want him to 'save' me from this position, there is no salvation. I just want someone to listen, cause facing it alone is really painful. But at the same time I don't want things to change. It already did, there is no going back.I assured him that I'm a lot better now, I'm not feeling any of those shit anymore. Guess what, the next day I had another break down.

I don't remembered exactly what I was thinking, my brain doesn't like remembering sad stuffs, probably to keep me sane. But what I remembered was I finally got the answer I wanted, I got rejected. I told her I wanted to meet that day at night, she told me it was her mother's birthday, but I still managed to get her out. All I was thinking was, I had to talk, I already did it once, I have to do it again. I told her everything again, but I was already feeling better, no break down for me yay. I thought that things could be the same again, since I got an answer, I could lock all these feelings back. We finished talking and she sounded chill, so I sent her back.

The next day I had another break down again haiz, didn't had any mood to work, it was a Friday. I tried my best to do what I could and when the clocks hit I left early again. I went back home and slept early that night, didn't want to think. On Saturday I woke up early and went to Mid Valley my self, first time in my life doing this lol. Watched Tolkien alone. Tbh it felt a lot better than I thought, spending time alone like this. The cinema was empty that day, the movie was quite relatable at few scene I actually cried. But when I left the cinema I felt a lot better, Tolkien's story taught me that both sad and happy ending still makes up a story. Your life might be shit, but it will still end like every story. I went home feeling much better, I thought that thing has ended, I'm finally settled.

So I chatted with her as usual, but I didn't try to hide the fact that I still like her. The truth is I want things to go back to the way it is, I thought that if you really like someone hanging around with them is good enough. But a part of me is worried that if this continues, I'll never get out of this feeling. The last time I finally got out of it was by running away, heck it was always by running away. As you stop hanging out with a person long enough, you'll eventually grow apart, that's how time heal. But this time it's different, how am I suppose to get out of this thing? I didn't thought much of it, because imagining not being with someone I like (regardless of gender) is painful to thaught of. Things escalated, and I invited her put few times for movie (and she ffk me as usual, which I'm starting to get used to now). Today, we were supposed to watch a movie together, but she had some emergency and had to cancel. It kinda felt like shit cause I pushed back some stuff at work to make it work. I wanted to cancel it the day before, for me I wanted a break, maybe that I'll settle down once I give it enough time. Regret not doing that, cause now I have other mixed up feeling to face.

Okay finally, the nightmare. The night before I had a nightmare about her. I remembered walking into a room seeing her having intimidation with another female, and during that moment I acted like I didn't cared at all. I didn't spend time thinking about it, and then the dream slowly shifted to something else. I was looking for her, was asking around all the places, and finally got a person with the same name, we were at some kinda of haunted house (or more specifically a muzeum about ghost?). Hung out with her and realize it's not the same person, no idea how I didn't recognize it immediately. I remembered trying to sneak away when that girl (kinda...... fat?) was putting on make up. Then I end up at the back door, looking at a bunch of orphans. At that moment I thought, I need to help them, but that would mean giving up the search. Then I woke up, the sound of my LINE, received message from her saying that she had to cancel due to some emergency.

Now come back to this, I wanted to ask her out again, cause I really wanted to watch the movie, and also because there are few things that I wanted to ask her and settle it once and for all, and also just because I wanted to hang out with her. I knew that she would be busy in the coming days. The chat escalated and she end up saying that she might watch it herself. Well, naturally this would feels like nothing, but for me it simply indicates that I'm being, avoided....... Again. After all these efforts, all these experience, I tried so hard to avoid it, and I'm still being avoided. It was always the same, from kindergarten to primary to secondary, college or even university. People just avoids me, and never once was I being told that they don't want to hang out with me. Every single time, I have to discover it my self. That high school crush I had, posted it on Facebook instead of talking to me. That fight with my friend because of a crush, found out when they were talking about it, nobody even realized I wasn't there. Got purposely ignored in a group chat for few months until fight finally broke out which forced me to leave. Heck bringing her boyfriend to a fucking unicersity trip instead of talking to me. Now this bullshit. Sometimes I really wish there's a god so I can blame all of this on that bastard. But life is life, just like before, a sad story or a happy story, good or bad ending, in the end the story will still ends. This dream....... Seeing her with another girl, and end up chasing and looking for her reminded me of the real life. Maybe she really aren't interested (just the way I predicted), and looking and chasing after her reminds me of this relationship, it's entirely one way and it's getting annoying. I wouldn't want someone bothering me like this too if I'm not interested. Finally those orphans, reminded me of my responsibilities, it's I could try to chase after both, but it's always easier to focus on one thing. No matter what I'll either regret for life or get broken for trying too hard and failing.

I'm trying really hard not to worry anyone, I'm trying really hard to stay strong for everyone. But this is really hard, there are multiple occasions where I just want to run away. For fucks sake, my dreams alone can be written as another long ass post comparable to this one. It feels like there is no purpose for my existence except to suffer for someone else's sake. This is making it really hard to be nice in a cruel world like this. I'm pretty confident there is only bad ending for me, either I killed my self and bad end for everyone, or I'm gonna get broken and be the greatest villain. That would change the world, and depending on perspective could be a good ending (yet all of these are just mere thoughts, I don't even know how good I really am, not anymore anyway). Hope I'll feel better after this, I think I'll break off and......... Run way...... Again. I don't have a choice, I'll just keep all these minimal. Tbh I doubt that anyone will be reading this any time soon other than me. After all, this is still a burden, and there is no reason to carry it for someone else, it's just how the world works. I don't like being different, didn't had any choice, let's just see how I'll work it out. Happened once, this is just another stage.