I've been getting pretty lazy to write this but somehow I still keep reminding my self to do it before the year ends. I don't really know where to go with this since it wasn't plan or anything, let's see what my thoughts bring me to. Time has been flying by at super high speed for me recently, I'm not sure if it's because every day is just bland and blurry or it's just me getting older. But to be honest, I think it's a combination of both, life has been nothing but boring and tiring, yet I don't feel the shit I used to feel. It's still the same old "I wish I don't exist" but I'd say, I feel more..... alive, in as sense, I'd be scared of death for a moment and another moment I'd wish I could just disappear without a trace. What pain me is, without the constant stress I used to feel, nothing is pushing me forward. I get very tired of life and wish that I could just stop doing anything, lay down and just sleep every day.
I just heard about something called a high functioning depression, that probably is what I got. Apparently, you could get so tired and stress of living to the point where the only thing that could distract you is working. I faintly remember feeling like shit only when I have nothing to do, and I would usually purposely overwork on certain things and my justification for it was because "I know I can do better". Honestly I don't know how to get out of it, I don't think this is any better than what I was experiencing. It's kinda odd, after doing everything I can so that I could no logger feel what I used to feel, now I'm tempted to dig back all these old feelings that I have forgotten so that I could feel things again. Just the world going round and round, I don't think they'll ever be an end.
Talking about digging out feeling, I've been trying to remind my self to write about this too. I believe I used to feel a lot more emotions, before, whatever the fuck this is that happened to me. Maybe it's a coping mechanism the brain uses to not overload? I'm not entirely sure. But there are times where I would randomly get extremely emotional to things, and that always reminds me of how things used to make me feel. That's probably part of why I want to start getting 'depressed' again, which is very odd. It's probably because life is so damn numb, even pain feel like something spicy I should try. I'll probably try to get back though, since this doesn't feel any better than what I used to feel. I would rather be high functioning with absolutely no fear of death rather than this weird ass situation I'm in. But I'll probably change my mind when I got to the other side, yeap, life is always cleaner on the left side, or what was it again? Ahh doesn't matter. Hope future me don't read this and think "What the fuck are you writing" since it's a pretty lame joke, given the circumstances I'll probably not remember any shit I write here since my brain is getting pretty fucked up. Feels like my personality just going lolo (refer to Hawaian)
I'm not sure if I've already stopped using all forms of social media during the last time I wrote here, but I think I should mention that here too. I don't know why, but I can trace this emotionless status back to that point. But now that I have tried to come back and express my self, I could remember going out with friends and talking about my problem when I don't feel right. Yet, I could only feel tired thinking about having to share my problems with them. If I have to guess, I'd say it's because connection with people feels fake to me? There are friends like Justien that I can remember actually caring about my well being, but other wise I don't really feel like sharing will help me with anything. Although I am, maybe not on purpose, avoiding Justien since I don't really wanna talk about 'feeling' and I know he'll ask since he cares(?). But I do feel bad about turning him down since I actually, at least from what I remembered, would enjoy hanging out with him from time to time, and at the same time I don't want him to think that I'm pissed off at everyone else or something. I guess I just don't like having someone else know about my problem, because I'm not normal, nothing is normal for me. It took a long time for me to realize it's a problem being different, not that I could not be normal just like everyone else. I feel like I have push my self ahead for so long being normal now is giving up on everything I made my self work on. I used to believe that if I work hard enough I'd get to work with geniuses and finally be able to know where I really stand, but at this point of life I could only say I'm better than the average (at least everyone that I know), but yet probably not good enough. Sometimes I wish life could be simpler, and I could have just kept on learning and studying whatever the hell I want.
I guess I could end it here, or maybe I'll add something in the romantic aspect? Since It's very uncommon that I'd write here without mentioning something about it. But to be honest there aren't much to tell. Since I got my self into this emotionless mess, I don't really feel any 'kick' to do anything for my self in that aspect. I did told someone that she'll be the last, I guess I'm holding up to that pretty well. I'm probably gonna die a virgin like Newton aren't I, except that I don't be worship as the man who change physics, heck I'll be happy if I could even be acknowledge as "pretty smart" by my social circle, since nobody even thinks I'm capable of it anyway.
Well I do have a new thing to write this round huehuehue
Lumæ Konos Animus
