Writing here doesn't feel much like I'm complaining to a wall anymore, and I do enjoy doing this once in awhile now. It feels more like a record of my thoughts that I find interesting at the moment, something that might be important for me to remember in the future. Recently YouTube has been recommending me to lots of drama, might not be intentional but it does ruin my mood for a bit. I'm not exactly pissed at people for causing drama, like "why can't you just be normal" which is what I used to do, my mood kinda got ruined for realizing that things doesn't always ends up like fairy tales in our imagination. I'll elaborate on that more.
I don't know about others, but for me brains always wants to see the positive side of things, or at least the illusion of wanting to (when I was going through shit few years back, what I thought that I was looking very hard for positive things to look forward for, yet could not find any, but I can say the same for me now, yet I do not entirely feel like suiciding at any moment). Which is why online, where everyone shares only the positive side of themselves for content, gives us the illusion that everything is so happy there. I could say I always knew life isn't as simple as that, it's just that this current event do reminds me of how real life is even for people who try their best to share, or at least try to share, happiness with others online.
I can understand why most content creator try their best to avoid negativity on their platform, it's the same for me IRL, I'd want people to think that I'm doing well since that's what makes everyone happy. I have always thought that if I am laughing and be happy all the time, people would do the same, and that would make me happy too. Seeing people's live getting broke down online, seeing their real selves, reminds me of how real life is. This is quite depressing, just one question came up to my mind at that moment, why can't the world be more simple, where everyone try to be happy and shares those happiness with each other. You know, we as humans has reached a stage where nothing else living on this planet can dream to achieve.
Food and shelter CAN be easily acquired so much more easily compare to the wild if we wants to, yet people are homeless, starving, dying on the streets. I used to think that everyone should be sharing with the unfortunate, I still do in a sense, but I start asking if they really do deserve it? In a perfect world where everyone is trying their best, trying to be good for everybody else because we are the same species and we should be helping each other, yes that I would agree that we should always help each other. But yet we live in a world where humans, the real humans, are ugly as fuck. For me, growing up is realizing how ugly the world is, and apparently I am forced to (even by those who are closed to me, I don't blame them, I only tell my self I am different) accept it and "grow up, be mature" because that's how the world is. I always do, or at least try to say "yes, that's how the world is, but that doesn't mean I should be happy with that, I will accept the truth but don't stop me from complaining like hell all the time".
Humans are selfish, honestly I don't know what makes me different from the rest, but I could never understand selfishness, for me it's something that has always cause more harm than good. In a sense we should be fighting for our selves to get basic necessary, to survive, but we do not need anything more than that. I'm not asking people to just give away whatever they acquired for 'greater good', that's complete bullshit, but those who are screwing up others to gain what they want, those kind of selfishness I could never understand. That's what makes me despise a human immediately. But interacting with people I do get it that almost everyone has a little of that in them, what I understand from them is that most people keeps that greed under control with "I should be good to others". It is actually pretty ugly to me, yes it is better than not trying, but I honestly could not understand that thought. Maybe when I was younger and could not understand empathy, but as of now I just could never understand. The fact that I am not telling anyone this proves that I knew, or at least think, they would just get pissed of and starts an argument with me, yes I used to do that a lot too, but nowadays I try to be nice to people when talking to them with conflicted ideas.
I think I wrote more than I expected, this page has gone from talking to a wall where I wish someone would know I'm dying inside, to something I don't really want to show anyone. I guess it turned into a 'diary' of some sort, ignoring the fact that I only update once in awhile. As usual I guess I should end it with a small updates of myself currently, I'm currently thinking of the idea of opening a channel to share my hobby. I have ridiculous amount of hobby, I don't want it to be something to gain attention, it should be something more like a place to update my progress so I can see my own growth, while at the same time try to shares things that makes me happy with others. This is all just a thought though, it will never happen if I never even try, let's see what I will be like when I come back and read this next time.
