I think I wrote about not coming back to this page anymore since I don't really need the help at this moment of my life. But I think I will keep the tradition of writing at least once a year for self reflection. The problem is I don't really have much to write about, my mind is pretty clear recently although there are still not much motivation to wake up everyday. I would say I have found a solution to that depression-ish feeling that used to haunt me, although it's not an answer that the 'me' in the past was expecting, but at least it still get things done.
I have finally get to accept that, I'm different from the rest of the world. Whether I like it or not people will stay being who they are, maybe I don't really belong here, maybe there are somewhere else that can make me feel less lonely. But as of now there really still isn't a solid solution for me to fix this, but as always, dreams, the name, that's what I am. For now I just feel like if I don't accept the fact that it is way easier for me to understand things compare to an average person, I would be insulting them. The right way to think would be I'm lucky, but for me it is just a curse. You know, if not for how the world is I would be spending my time learning about physics and mathematics, or maybe rocket engineering. There are always give and take in things, I'm lucky, but not lucky enough to be happy. You know, if you could live your life thinking that every day is a blessing, you should really appreciate that, there is nothing worth more than actually being happy.
The older post feels really gloomy, I don't really feels like reading any of them at this moment. It may reminds me of things that I don't want to remember, and emotions that I don't want to feel anymore. But I'm pretty confident I can take that, just that there isn't really a reason for me to go through that. There really aren't as much things for me to say as what it used to be, there aren't much emotion left for me to express anymore. You know, sometimes I think that what would have happened if I made a different choice in any point of my life, would I still be anything near who I am currently? I've been through a lot to get to what I am, although I'm finally confident and calm, I do feels like I no longer wish to move forward. If there's one thing I've learnt in life is that every time I push forward I get further and further away from everything else, that will not be healthy for my brain. But every time I learnt something new or cool, there's still this tingling inside me, like I'm meant to do more, more than just..... this. Only if there's a place for me to go all out and not think about any consequences or what others think. I always joke that I want to move to Mars, the truth is humans has been pretty disappointing so far, I really do want to move to Mars and probably, die? I don't know, I don't feels like dying everyday anymore, I do fear it sometimes. But there is still a part of me that thinks that it's the only solution to end everything. Heck, if there's an after life with more problem to solve that's gonna be a pain in the ass.
I think I'll end here, my plan was actually to write a summary of my life but I don't really have much to talk about. For us to make memory there must be something to remember for, but my memory has been deteriorating more and more, there are less and less thing I care about, nothing much important in my life to remember anymore. Time fly by very fast. There is not much to summarize especially with this Covid pandemic from fucking west Taiwan going on, I guess that's another year. I wonder what I will do next year, will I ever get the courage to change things? Oh before I really do end, I guess I can't let this be the only post where I don't talk about problem with girls can't I? I don't have anything at all to talk about for this year so I guess.... this will do? Still haven't figured out an outro that's something like El Psy Congroo, maybe I should think more about that.
