This one will be different from the rest, since it does actually affects me irl. Had a nightmare before actually facing another nightmare. Don't really want her to read this but already sent her the link, and I don't have any other place to write my stuff unless I change the link address. Not gonna do that, got into so much trouble just to start talking. If I go back now things will just return to what it was. I'll have to face the problem head on. Okay, to know the context of the story I think I'll just write most of what happened at this date down, since I'll probably try to forget it in the future (as usual).
Two weeks ago, on 2nd of September, I went out with this girl I like and confessed in the shittiest way possible. I realized on the spot that I had no idea how to convey my feelings to others, not just the 'romantic' one, but most of them except joy and sometimes frustration. On the next day I called my friend out and finally talked about all these feelings. I broke down in front of him, tears that I was always hiding because I don't want people to think I'm weak. For a moment it felt like I'm sharing all these weight that I had to bare alone to someone I trust. But there are still regrets of talking about it, he'll never see me the same way again. Maybe troughout my life I always had to look strong, that I will be the only person to do this, because nobody else will take this place. I don't want to look weak because I want pity from him, or want him to 'save' me from this position, there is no salvation. I just want someone to listen, cause facing it alone is really painful. But at the same time I don't want things to change. It already did, there is no going back.I assured him that I'm a lot better now, I'm not feeling any of those shit anymore. Guess what, the next day I had another break down.
I don't remembered exactly what I was thinking, my brain doesn't like remembering sad stuffs, probably to keep me sane. But what I remembered was I finally got the answer I wanted, I got rejected. I told her I wanted to meet that day at night, she told me it was her mother's birthday, but I still managed to get her out. All I was thinking was, I had to talk, I already did it once, I have to do it again. I told her everything again, but I was already feeling better, no break down for me yay. I thought that things could be the same again, since I got an answer, I could lock all these feelings back. We finished talking and she sounded chill, so I sent her back.
The next day I had another break down again haiz, didn't had any mood to work, it was a Friday. I tried my best to do what I could and when the clocks hit I left early again. I went back home and slept early that night, didn't want to think. On Saturday I woke up early and went to Mid Valley my self, first time in my life doing this lol. Watched Tolkien alone. Tbh it felt a lot better than I thought, spending time alone like this. The cinema was empty that day, the movie was quite relatable at few scene I actually cried. But when I left the cinema I felt a lot better, Tolkien's story taught me that both sad and happy ending still makes up a story. Your life might be shit, but it will still end like every story. I went home feeling much better, I thought that thing has ended, I'm finally settled.
So I chatted with her as usual, but I didn't try to hide the fact that I still like her. The truth is I want things to go back to the way it is, I thought that if you really like someone hanging around with them is good enough. But a part of me is worried that if this continues, I'll never get out of this feeling. The last time I finally got out of it was by running away, heck it was always by running away. As you stop hanging out with a person long enough, you'll eventually grow apart, that's how time heal. But this time it's different, how am I suppose to get out of this thing? I didn't thought much of it, because imagining not being with someone I like (regardless of gender) is painful to thaught of. Things escalated, and I invited her put few times for movie (and she ffk me as usual, which I'm starting to get used to now). Today, we were supposed to watch a movie together, but she had some emergency and had to cancel. It kinda felt like shit cause I pushed back some stuff at work to make it work. I wanted to cancel it the day before, for me I wanted a break, maybe that I'll settle down once I give it enough time. Regret not doing that, cause now I have other mixed up feeling to face.
Okay finally, the nightmare. The night before I had a nightmare about her. I remembered walking into a room seeing her having intimidation with another female, and during that moment I acted like I didn't cared at all. I didn't spend time thinking about it, and then the dream slowly shifted to something else. I was looking for her, was asking around all the places, and finally got a person with the same name, we were at some kinda of haunted house (or more specifically a muzeum about ghost?). Hung out with her and realize it's not the same person, no idea how I didn't recognize it immediately. I remembered trying to sneak away when that girl (kinda...... fat?) was putting on make up. Then I end up at the back door, looking at a bunch of orphans. At that moment I thought, I need to help them, but that would mean giving up the search. Then I woke up, the sound of my LINE, received message from her saying that she had to cancel due to some emergency.
Now come back to this, I wanted to ask her out again, cause I really wanted to watch the movie, and also because there are few things that I wanted to ask her and settle it once and for all, and also just because I wanted to hang out with her. I knew that she would be busy in the coming days. The chat escalated and she end up saying that she might watch it herself. Well, naturally this would feels like nothing, but for me it simply indicates that I'm being, avoided....... Again. After all these efforts, all these experience, I tried so hard to avoid it, and I'm still being avoided. It was always the same, from kindergarten to primary to secondary, college or even university. People just avoids me, and never once was I being told that they don't want to hang out with me. Every single time, I have to discover it my self. That high school crush I had, posted it on Facebook instead of talking to me. That fight with my friend because of a crush, found out when they were talking about it, nobody even realized I wasn't there. Got purposely ignored in a group chat for few months until fight finally broke out which forced me to leave. Heck bringing her boyfriend to a fucking unicersity trip instead of talking to me. Now this bullshit. Sometimes I really wish there's a god so I can blame all of this on that bastard. But life is life, just like before, a sad story or a happy story, good or bad ending, in the end the story will still ends. This dream....... Seeing her with another girl, and end up chasing and looking for her reminded me of the real life. Maybe she really aren't interested (just the way I predicted), and looking and chasing after her reminds me of this relationship, it's entirely one way and it's getting annoying. I wouldn't want someone bothering me like this too if I'm not interested. Finally those orphans, reminded me of my responsibilities, it's I could try to chase after both, but it's always easier to focus on one thing. No matter what I'll either regret for life or get broken for trying too hard and failing.
I'm trying really hard not to worry anyone, I'm trying really hard to stay strong for everyone. But this is really hard, there are multiple occasions where I just want to run away. For fucks sake, my dreams alone can be written as another long ass post comparable to this one. It feels like there is no purpose for my existence except to suffer for someone else's sake. This is making it really hard to be nice in a cruel world like this. I'm pretty confident there is only bad ending for me, either I killed my self and bad end for everyone, or I'm gonna get broken and be the greatest villain. That would change the world, and depending on perspective could be a good ending (yet all of these are just mere thoughts, I don't even know how good I really am, not anymore anyway). Hope I'll feel better after this, I think I'll break off and......... Run way...... Again. I don't have a choice, I'll just keep all these minimal. Tbh I doubt that anyone will be reading this any time soon other than me. After all, this is still a burden, and there is no reason to carry it for someone else, it's just how the world works. I don't like being different, didn't had any choice, let's just see how I'll work it out. Happened once, this is just another stage.
