Wow, I don't know why I came back (just realized I'm always using this sentence as an opening, but who cares, it's my page, my rules), but reading my old post(s) I realize 3 things.......
First, my English was so freaking bad, I can't believe I acted like I'm very good with that language while not knowing how stupid I sounded........ luckily I don't have any memories of me screwing up in public or something equally embarrassing.
Second, I was so freaking stupid.......... God, the way I talk, the message I was trying to send, it makes me cringe every time I read a new post. But the latest one makes me sad, I saw the improvement, but I also saw the disappointment and sadness.
Third, how did I survive so long without killing my self? I think I really need help XD, if not for my extreme optimism and this happy go lucky personality, I might have killed my self. Maybe I'm fighting depression without knowing it? I don't really want to test it out though, it'll only makes peoples around me worry. I'm pretty sure too that I'm not ready (at all) to die yet, and I don't think this depression is gonna kill me.
I realize that humans needs a reason to live, an objective. So, what does it feels like when you don't have one? Mine is empty, I have no lust for money, not lust for sexual pleasure (unless it's a romantic relationship), I enjoy being knowledgeable but it's not why I'm living. Why am I living? What am I going to do? Most importantly, what do I want to do?
Then, I realized that I tend to forget about these worries and feelings when I'm with friends, or when I'm enjoying with my family, and also when I'm romantically attracted to someone. Maybe it's because I feel more human, "ignorance is bliss" is what people says, when you think less you worry less.
Things only got worst, now I'm addicted to attachment (is this even bad?), I've had good friends (seriously, I love you guys if you guys are ever reading this one day, I just don't say them in words since it'll get awkward real quick), I love my family, but I realize I'm extremely unattractive as a 'man' and my personality is weird as fuck. I have ridiculous amount of hobby (basically everything except sports), and this makes it hard for me to connect with anyone. As a normal human being I want to find a life partner, someone who can share my pain and happiness, but my expectation is too high.
I hate being at this age, is it even possible to not be interested in romance? I think I'm gonna be alone forever, but how do I get used to this? I don't believe in fate or whatsoever, but sometimes I just hope that there really is something like fate, that you'll meet somebody out there that likes you, and you likes her back.
Guess I'll stop here, it'll kill my eye next time I read this again since it's too freaking long.
